the tale of the rose...

if you have...like me...fallen in love with the tale of the little prince and his rose...you should not hesitate to leaf through the pages of this tale of love...love which causes delirious bouts of happiness... and heart-wrenching anguish...

his fragile little rose...nurtured and trampled on in one breadth...

listen to the anguished cries of the fragile rose and understand that love is...ironically...a bed of roses filled with thorns...filling the air with a sweet aroma but cutting you...unleashing the deep crimson of pain if you grasp it unwittingly...or too passionately...

it is futile to understand love... you can merely be a victim to its embrace...

the end...

i bade lahore farewell for the year...and look forward to my return in the new year...

i long to elope with the serene solitude of the towering mughal artistry which never ceases to amaze me and remind me of my finite nature in an infinite history...

...

as i write my own...my will overcomes all repressed emotion...i let go the past...not to forget...but to forgive...
for only letting us have what is given to us and not what is not meant to be...

it isn't cruelty.
it is just.
it is fate.

its time to go again

what? it's monday already? this time last week i was sleeping off the flight back from Mumbai. now it's time to hop back onto a plan. lahore this time.

u ok? yeah. i love it. the travelling. anything you don't love? sure. i don't like having to work like mad to make up for the time i spent travelling. but its good you know? to be away. to have some time for myself in a different part of the world.

it's like being able to escape.

except that i'm not. escaping.

work wise its the complete opposite.

i shouldn't complain. really.

Day 03- I need to clarify

last post was badly written i suppose...leaving many, including my lil bro, confused about how i've gone from 5 star to No star...

allow me to clarify...

you see...i was only suppose to fly into Mumbai and travel to Pune (where the programme is) on Sunday...accomodation for this programme i'm on was arranged for a certain Singapore government agency....but only from Sunday onwards.... I arrived a day early as I couldn't get on the flight for Sunday...and so had to arrange for my own accomodation in Mumbai and wait for the rest of the delegation to get to Mumbai so we can travel to Pune (which is bout 3 hours by bus away from Mumbai)....which i did, through another participant of the programme who's from an all important Ministry with an all important office in India...who booked us into the Hyatt as there was low availability of rooms in all of Mumbai that weekend...that's how we got 5 star.

Now...next part of the story is in Pune which is a smaller city quite a distance from Mumbai...In Pune, we were supposed to be checked into a 5 star hotel here for the rest of the trip....the same hotel where ANGELINA JOLIE and CREW are staying at while they're shooting some film here! sigh....

BUT because of some screw up...and the fact that she and her crew has taken almost ALL the available hotel accomodation in this place...we ended up having to stay in the Training Centre's residence....what sucks is that the group got divided into two....the Government Agency that organised this decided the easiest way to divide this was by sectors...us Public Sector ppl got stuck with no Star..while the Private sector ppl got the lovely 5star accomodation at the hotel where Angelina Jolie is staying...grrrrrr...soooooo unfair..

what is most irritating...is that this division was done last minute....and i had initially been on the 5 Star list as I had signed up for this programme pretty early...doesn't that suck! I could be babysitting Maddox right now...

ah well...it SUCKS...but the room isn't too bad...there's broadband 24h a day...so that helps...hmm did i mention that there's no TV!...yeah.....the bed's not tooo bad... only half of me is aching right now...i guess it could get much much worse...

and hey...i get to wipe my a** with the most luxurious toilet paper ever...how can i complain?

Day 01& 02 Mumbai- From 5 Star to No Star

SQ422 arrived in Mumbai at 9.20 am. A day early because I couldn't get onto the flight day after I checked in with T-Chien into the Hyatt Mumbai. Hyatt was the only hotel that T-Chien could get us into because conferences made sure that there were only 2 rooms left in almost all of Mumbai hotels for us- luckily, in Hyatt.

I was on cloud nine. After all, how many times in a year do i get to check into a 5* hotel with a 500 plus dollar price tag? Almost everything was heavenly, including the soft fluffy pillows which felt like every bit of the 300 USD it probably costs! Soft yet firm. I slept like a baby through the afternoon and most of the night....Check out the lovely heavenly room for yourself...

You know what they say? When you're up...there's no other way to go but down..and down i went!

Apparently, we weren't checked into the 5 star hotel we were checked into. Instead, us public sector ppl had to be holed up in the training centre's management residence...check it out....


Need i say more....siiiighhhhh....

The haze and a not so happy Hari Raya

Been back for over a week now...

Was glad to be back...but the haze really took my breath away...literally...I was coughing until my insides felt so sore...so i was in the office..and out of the office...taking some time off so that my colleagues didn't think that I was spreading a most deadly cough to them all...

Somehow being back was fun but...gone was all the independence and solitary loneliness that I had grown so accustommed to....it was back to the...chores and my mom nagging me to do this and to do that at home...when all i wanted to do was stone...

At least i got to spend some time with iman..so that was good.

Then hari raya!...yeesh..i wasn't in the mood for any sort of celebration...feeling all lazy and grumpy...but to avoid getting the parents all worked up...i did the dutiful daughter bit and went along visiting...to my granny's place and to see my two aunts after...

We got back home early which was good...and i got to chill and even go to bed before 12....but my oh my...i had the runs alll morning....spent the entire morning in the loo...from 2-6pm...
clutching my gut praying that i live to see the morning...

I did....and i spent the day in bed after getting my dose of medicine...

Hmm...things did seem certainly more exciting back in Lahore...oh well...its still good to be back.

Day 20- Guns & Sher Khurmani

Guns, guns, guns

I went shopping a couple of nights ago at Liberty market with Amelia. As we shopped, my eyes transfixed upon the beautiful shoes, jewellery and fabrics, Amelia commented ," Don't you find the men standing around with those rifles really disturbing?"

Honestly, I didn't even notice them. I hastily agreed as we continued to plough through the shops. Buying as much as our left over currency could afford us.

Later in the evening, we were in another shop purchasing a wedding shalwar kameez for Daniel who will be wedding in Singapore in December. As i paid for my purchase, i turned to find a man standing guard by the door with a rifle in hand.

Recalling the previous 'conversation' that took place with Amelia, I instinctively turned back to the shop-keeper while pointing at the gun, " GUN? Why? No Good! Gun No Good! No Gun next-time" and walked out.

I didn't notice the horrified look on Amelia's face, but when we left the shop she went ," What were you thinking, scolding the man about the gun!" It still didn't hit me what she was antagonising about when i realised that that man (with the rifle) could have taken drastic action against me if he had taken offence to what i had said.

I could have been at the receiving end of that rifle...and so could Amelia- which explained how antagonised she appeared.

Sher Khurmani

One of our new found friends brought us out for a good Pakistani meal 2 days ago. Realising the team's love for ice-cream he suggested that we tried a good local ice-cream store at Bidden Road- which was a local shopping district for dried food stuff.

We went into this little local restaurant only to have the entire restaurant stare at this group of foreigners troop into the restaurant talking at the top of our voices and dressed so peculiarly- in things that were not shalwar Kameezes.

The flavours they offered were amazing like Pine- Apple, Real Strawberry, Pistach and Kulfa (a local desert). The thing that fascinated us was a flavour called- Sher Khurmani.

As our local friend didn't know what flavour that was, we asked the waiter," What is Sher Khurmani?"

And he replied ," Sher Khurmani ice-cream."

We broke into peals of laughter and ordered other flavours instead. I must say, the ice-cream here is amazing!

Day 16- 2 girls out an about town

Amelia and company are here! A different change in ppl! =) And Amelia is certainly a better shopping kaki than my previous company!

Last night we decided to go out to Liberty market on a rickshaw. Just two foreign girls out and about town! We walked out and got a rickshaw with a friendly rickshaw wallah who, after dropping us off, told us that he could wait for us to make the return trip.

I must say we were very relieved that we got to our destination. I think we both subconciously were worried that we would be kidnapped and sold off as prostitutes!....but that didn't happen...
thank god!

We shopped like noone's business! I got Daniel's wedding kurta at a steal! I do hope they like it! A pair of slippers for me, a pair of slippers for Alicia and some earrings too! Amelia bought quite a couple of things too!

Then we went to Pace supermarket, where the crowd was just amazing. Everyone was out for Eid shopping. Funnily enough, it was these 2 foreign girls who they thought probably didn't celebrate Eid who had the most shopping bags!

We then stopped at Nirala sweets for me to get my Kulfi fix! I love Kulfi....its sooooo delicious. But Amelia didn't like it, so I had to gobble up the entire thing all by myself..which wasn't really a problem.

We then headed back completely pleased with our shopping escapade. I was horrified though when i got back to realise that I'm only left with about 100 Sing dollars! Yeesh! No more shopping. Only got to get one kurta for Imans younger bro..and maybe cookies for home.

I've put a restraining order on my shopping....or maybe just for another earring or two!

Day 15- Communication Breakdown

The drivers hanging out outside the office.

I get car-sick here. Mostly cos the weather is really hot, the air-con sometimes whirrs to a slow warm death, and the roads are bumpier than a motorcross GP circuit. So i sit in the front seat next to our driver, and enjoy the air-con blast at me with the full force of one of those mini hand-fans people carry about foolishly.

Anyhow, I've created a bond with one of our drivers Arshad. Arshad is this really gentle-spoken doe eyed man with the sweetest smile ever. He calls me Nur...not like Nor..but a gentle Noooooor.. cos Iva just doesn't suit him i guess.

Well, Arshad and I have developed our own communicating style. I speak a little Urdu, and always take the opportunity to give him instructions like, “Office, Janna. Challo!” (We’re going to the office, let’s go!) or “Swera janna, ek minute” (Let’s go the the Swera supermarket for a minute).

Besides little word like this, we get along with an absurd amount of body language that we both look like monkey trying to pick fleas from our own backs! Arshad is also my tutor as I try and read the Urdu words in Arabic script, and I think he’s quite pleased with my Urdu progress so far.

Talking about communication breakdowns, PL is trying her best to communicate too. She’s picked up a little bit of Urdu, but certainly not enough to get into any sort of debates with anyone.

Today’s Friday and is usually a half-day for all government offices. But the officers in the department we’re attached to work real hard and stay for most of Friday, after their Jum’at prayers.

The office also has a group of drivers and it dawned upon us that perhaps the drivers would not be able to go home until they sent us back. We really didn’t want to hold them back, so PL decided to go verify the information.

She went outside where the drivers hung out and started what looked like an airport runway!

She started with- “You go home, I go home. I not go home, you not go home?” with her hands flaying about as if she was desperately trying to land an A380.

The drivers got up and also started to wave their hands about asking, “You go home, I go home. I not go home, you not go home?”

This was obviously not working. But being a determined woman, PL persevered in her effort of bridging the communication gap with even greater arm movements, and exaggerated facial expressions!

Finally, after five minutes of this being repeated back and forth, PL did what every wise person would do. She gave up.

“Nevermind, Tik Hey (Its OK!), Bilkul Tik Hey (Everything is alright!). Shukria! (thanks!)”

Day 13- You don't want to have your car towed!

Yup, this is how they tow a car!

Day 12- Stuck in a Jam

Traffic can be really bad here in Lahore. REAL BAD! And the driving? Even worse! But what I really admire about the people here is that the bad traffic doesn’t faze them at all. You don’t get screaming and shouting, and cussing! Ok maybe it’s because I’m always driving with the government drivers and they probably aren’t suppose to cuss in front of foreign ladies!

But I’ve noticed that they’re generally laid back, and relaxed. At most, they let out a quiet, ‘Tsk!’ or even better, shake their head and grin at me about the absurdity of the driving conditions and ‘techniques’ here!

This evening, I went shopping. And we decided to chuck the hotel car and go local. We went on a rickshaw, which isn’t the traditional and typical Singapore rickshaw but really a smaller tuk tuk! On a diesel engine that revs so loud that it feels as if the gear box would just explode. It was a really bumpy ride, I was giggling out loud as we bounced around. On the way there, PL, David and me, squeezed into the back like a tin of sardines. It was hilarious.

On the way back, we decided to take the bigger one with seats facing the back. It was a hoot, because the drivers and motorcyclist were staring straight at me and PL while they drove through the traffic. I love the people here, they’re so friendly. So we were waved at by young men, older men, older ladies-all happy to say hello!

Even shopping is such a pleasure, they always welcome you to their shops and never fail to smile and say, ‘It’s ok!’ when I say sorry when I don’t like shoe designs, or the kurtas are too gaudy!

Day 8 - My Heart Will Go On

I rolled out of bed at about nine plus and joined PL and David for breakfast. Well they ate and I watched. Still fasting! =)

I was all psyched about the F1 Shanghai Race that started at 11am. I watched Alonso pick up the lead and Kimi, fight his way to 3rd position from the armchair before deciding that the bed would be more comfortable. Bad move, next thing I knew I drowsily saw Schumacher take the lead before I fell back to deep sleep. I only woke at the chequered flag, disappointed that Schumacher took the win, but consoled that Renault took first and second place. So that wasn’t too bad.

Then I flipped channels and found Titanic showing. WRONG MOVE! All I could think about was MY Jack, my darling… and before I knew it, I was all tears- desperately missing my sayang. So I grabbed my phone and was slightly consoled by his sleepy voice.

One week down, 2 more to go.

After the movie, I got on my lappie and did work to keep my mind off things. Went out for dinner to a Chinese restaurant, where we had some good clear chicken soup. And Sweet and sour fish, with a chicken dish, that tasted like it was sweet and sour too! Yeesh! But the change was good.

Hit a sweet shop after and had some raas malai. By that time, my tummy wasn’t feeling good again. And I spent the rest of the evening finishing some work, while a glass of Eno kicked in helping some trap air release itself- if you know what I mean!

And then…and then….guess what came on the TV? BEVERLY HILLS 90210! Hahahaha! A tv show from the 80s! Or was it the early 90s!!!!

Ok gotta go…Iman just called! Allah Hafeeez… (bye)…

Day 7 - In Love

A week, spellbinding.

Everyday, I fall deeper and deeper in love with this old city. There is a certain charm and character that I have grown to respect. A warmth that makes my heart glow as I walk the streets at night.

Last night, we explored the chowks (markets) reveling in the beauty and splendour of woven wonders of silk. Storekeepers ever ready with friendly smiles beckoning for me to touch the rich fabrics, to sample their wares. Entranced by the glitter of the silks that hung before me, enchanted by the smiles that lined the dusty streets.





Dinner.
Into the old walled city we ventured. Near the back alleys of the red-light district where the dancing girls of Lahore, many moons past, threw back their heads in pleasure as they enticed and entranced. Up a narrow staircase to a rooftop restaurant overlooking the fort and mosque. The mosque lights lit up the night, while the Imam melodiously filled the still-night air with terawih verses that stirred both appetite and senses.





I’ve fallen in love with this enchanting city. Beneath the dust, I’ve found a treasure I hope always to keep close to my heart.

Day 5 - Room Service

Part 1

There isn’t a hot water boiler in the room. Every time I need a hot drink, I’d have to call for room service. The water is free but a tip is always expected.

A request for “Some Hot Water” to be sent to the room, usually comes with a pot of hot boiling water hidden under a hideous tea cozy (I thought tea cozies when extinct a long time ago), a cup and saucer; and a spoon.

Two nights ago, I thought it would be a good idea to have some oatmeal in the evening for supper.I called for room service and asked specifically for, “some hot water, brown sugar and please, don’t forget the spoon”.

I wanted some sugar for my oatmeal, and remembered also that room service had forgotten to bring me a spoon once.I wasn’t about to use my hands to eat gooey hot oatmeal.

When the waiter arrived, he came exactly with that- hot water, sugar, and a spoon.
No tea cup! I had oatmeal in the little bowl of sugar satchets that night.


Part 2

There’s a room service waiter I’m terribly afraid of. He’s a tall, thin, gawky fella with a thick bushy moustache and a matching set of eyebrows. The first time he entered my room balancing a tray of hot water and tea cups, he paused looked at me asked me how I was and entered the room, saying:“You can close the door, madam”.
As if he was going to put the tray down, flop on the bed and say (while smoothening the sheets in a beckoning fashion)

“ Aja …Aja… ” (come here, in Urdu).

Not that I was contemplating it at all, but the thought, “Hmm…I don’t think Iman would approve of this” did flash across my mind.

I smiled and said,“Hmm.. no it’s ok”.

Since that first time, everytime he came to send me water, he’d ask me the same-
to close the door. And once, he turned to attempt to shut the door while I half-squealed out in anxiousness,“No, it’s ok”, reaching out to keep the door open.

He still sends me water, but now I hold the door firm and stay by the door while he comes in and out of the room.

I think we’ve established that pattern.

Now, all I have to do is get used to him leaning into my face and asking me,
“Is there anything else you need, Madam?”.

“No, not at all. That is fine, thank you.”

*slam*




Picture of PL and the jolly-not-so-green Giant

Day 4 - Iftar, Iftar, Iftar, Iftar

It’s been really hot.
Yesterday work was so tiresome because we had 5 meetings at different locations in the city and spent so much time traveling.
Hot sun, air-conditioners blowing hot air into a van bumping up and down, lunging to and fro made me feel really really sick.
PL was nice enough to let me go back to the hotel early while she handled some contract stuff, before our post Iftar meeting.
Yeah, post Iftar meeting.
Then tonight we started our Iftar dinners.
It’s unbelievable and I find it ridiculous.
See, we started off by offering to host Iftar for our Pakistani friends and counterpart team.
They then thought that they should offer to host us.
Then their bigger Boss said that he should host them too.
So now we had Iftar tonight, we will have Iftar tomorrow and Iftar the day after.
All with the same people!
Man… If we’re not bored of each other yet, we’re going to be quite, quite soon!
Well, I didn’t really enjoy the Iftar today- although there were piles of Jallebi and Gulab Jamun, naan, karis and other most delicious looking stuff- including sushi that looks like plasticine! Really!
I had a Gulab Jamun though (yes, Hun..they were gorgeous)…
And had a tummy ache soon after.
No No…not cos the food isn’t good, but because my tummy is never good during the fast.
Had cramps the entire time, and felt myself bloat up with gas, that slowly seeped out of my ears like a balloon very slowly deflating.
Well, I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to dinner tomorrow.
It will be with the same people. Hope my tum-tum feels better soon.
It’s Day 5, I’m desperately missing home, missing my family, my cat, my friends, gossiping and..
My sweetheart….

15 days to go, it ain’t that bad!

Amacam brader?

Lahore - Day 2 (Jihad and Banned Blogs)

I just found out today that-
BLOGS are completely banned in Pakistan!
I can't read anyone's blogs! Isn't that terrible?
Hmm....well i gues this is what you get in a country that is so tightly controlled with soldiers hanging out at every corner!
I'm so frustrated that I can blog but not read anyone's blogs! Yeesh...

Anyways....
Today was the first day of fasting here...
And i woke up at 3.45 am to have a bottle of water and 3 pieces of marie biscuits before waiting for the azan from a mosque nearby and compeleting my fajr prayers...
Its so hot here that my lips are beginning to chap...
Eating in public is against the law here too...
So PL and D had to 'fast' along with me...
Eating just a tiny snack at 3pm...
We arranged to meet at the hotel cafe a little after buka, so that I could just have a cup of Milo and some dates, do my Maghrib prayers and then have dinner...

Guess what...
As i heard the call of the azan, I sipped my hot milo, tasted the sweetness of the dates unfold on my tongue, and realised the tears streaming down my cheeks
Looking into my lonely reflection,
I could only see the rosy smiles of my family,
the wonderful chatter,
and the warmth their presence brings to the iftar,
thoughts of hunger for food and water,
seeped away quickly,
replaced with a cold loneliness,
desperate for the warmth of family.

Lahore - Day 1 (Yellow Chickadee)

We took off just about 4pm… 20minute delay waiting for connecting passengers from Korea.
Kris Flyer Entertainment system kept me amused during the flight to Karachi. The Korean film, Art of Seduction, got me guffawing out loud a couple of times. Then I helped Akeelah win the spelling bee. I liked the spelling it was fun and at time befuddeling…befaddlin….befuddling! =)

Karachi to Lahore, I slept so soundly only the hard landing of a Boeing shook me up from my sleep. Besides the ice-cream, the flight was uneventful. Checked into PC Lahore and found out that Ramadhan starts a day later here, because the moon hadn’t been sighted. That’s the coolest thing ever for someone like me who’s Hari Raya celebration has never ever been ruined, delayed or brought forward because of the mysteriousness of the moon. But hey, CNN showed that almost all the Muslim world has started fasting. Maybe there are some thicker clouds around these areas.

Well, I thought I could sleep in this Sunday, but guess what we had to go in for a meeting. On a Sunday morning! I thought Singaporeans were bad, but these are some really determined Pakistanis. Meeting went well.

Then we headed for lunch, and decided to explore and go out of the hotel, and use one of those ‘private taxis’. PL, me and D almost got cheated. See, what happened was that another man negotiated for the taxi driver, and he said 300 Pak Rp (bout 7-8 dollars) for a return trip to Fortress road (where the food was) and back to the hotel. When we got out of the restaurant, we thought- let’s walk around for a bit and check out the shops before heading back. The driver than shouted to us that he would charge for waiting another 200 Pak Rp. PL said in not quite so direct terms- go to hell. I’ll pay you 150 and you can go off, and we’ll find another ride back. The guy looked miffed but agreed.

Then after our walk, we saw a group of Chinese near his car. Now he wanted us to pay 200 and he would go off to drive this group of Chinese around. By this time, I had had enough. First, he’s acting like a big time hustler, and his car wasn’t exactly a limo it was a tiny yellow Suzuki hatchback about the size of a Kancil- a little chickadee. So, I told him off and said we’d only pay 150 (and by this time, was also had to pay for 20 for his parking). It slowly got heated and I started shouting at him. He was also trying to get this security guard to help him out. The guard was quite amused at me and PL who’s a tiny Chinese woman shouting quite ‘garangly’ to this big burly Pakistani man. D who’s a old white ang-moh just observed, letting the women do the talking (what is it with men nowadays? Gone are the good ‘ol days of the knight on the white horse coming to save the damsels in distress).

Anyways, he finally barked at us to get into the car and drive us back to the hotel (He left the other group stranded). Once we got there, we handed him 320 exactly, and got out. He then asked for another 100. I shouted ‘Nehi’ and then walked off in a huff.

We’ve decided, that it may be better to just pay more for the hotel car and save the effort of haggling. I love our public transportation.

(Taxi uncles- I’m sorry I ever complained about expensive taxi fares in Singapore, and grouchy bad drivers. You guys are angels compared to taxi drivers here!)
By the way, the food is gorgeous. But tomorrow my jihad begins. It’ll be quite an experience, I’m sure.

what i want from you

bagalsnob was asked...what do you want from me?...and this is what bagelsnob wants...

This is what I wanted from you yesterday.

I wanted you to say- after you heard me tell u that I didn’t like you meeting your friend yesterday, that you wouldn’t because you think it is more important to spend more time with me (who's flying off for a long time on Sat) and NOT because you think I’ll get angry.

When I said, ‘I don’t like it, but I don’t have to like everything’- I had hoped for you to say- no, it’s important to me that you don’t have a problem with anything I do, because I respect you and it’s important that we are both always happy with what each other is doing.

I want you to understand that sometimes when I say its OK, I mean no its not OK…and even when you ask me- are u sure it’s OK…and I answer Yes I’m sure it’s OK…I still mean its not OK…this applies vice versa too.

When I called you and realized that you are the kedai kopi, I had hoped for you to understand that my upset voice saying nevermind it’s noisy, would signal for you to go to a quieter corner and call me back.

I didn’t want you to discontinue the sms conversation we had and leave it hanging.

I wanted you not to let me fall asleep angry, cos it would mean that I would wake up angry. I don’t go to bed and forget things the next morning. It always just makes it worse.

This is what I wanted from you this morning.

When I said this morning, that I had hoped for you to think 2 steps ahead of me, I had hoped for you to ask me what I meant by it, or ok…instead of keeping quiet, and signaling that you are upset and irritated with what I said, or completely ignoring it.

This is what I want from you all the time

To understand that I don’t ‘throw tantrums’, I get upset about things because there are legitimate things to be upset with, even if you don’t think so.

I want you to put yourself in MY shoes and think about what I’d like or not like.

I want you to think about the things I do for you, and think about why I do those things for you- and whether maybe- once in a while I expect you to do the same for me.

seeking solace and solitude

soon i'll be able to seek solace and solitude in lahore...
to escape everything that traps me...
holding me down... drawing on fears and insecurities...

soon i'll be able to seek solace and solitude in lahore...
to hear my heart beat to the rhythm of my thoughts...
emptying my being...reexamining my soul...

soon i'll be able to seek solace and solitude in lahore...
healing this broken spirit... dismissing regrets...
forgetting disappointments...

soon i'll be able to seek solace and solitude in lahore...
and yet it cannot come soon enough...

a birthday email

this morning, at the stroke of midnight, someone special lullabied me to sleep with the sweetest most sincere rendition of happy birthday....

on the way to work i received many SMSs from many of my closest friends including one from Zul all the way in Hanoi...

at work...i had an email from Washington...Seoul..Azerbaijan...Moldova...and Iraq...all with well wishes for the year ahead...

Felix from Kenya sent me a touching email...with a beautiful birthday present attached....read on...

today i turn 27 as the world watches on...and some of it...celebrates with me....

Felix. Photo taken in Indianapolis, USA. Summer 2005

Dear Iva,

Happy birthday to you!!!

I recall the last day in Santa Fe, we symbolized the world coming together as One, a birthday without terrorist scare and alerts!

Iva what surprise do you have for us? I could start saving for your wedding, if you propose or he proposes today!!!

May I take this chance to wish you Good Luck, Peace and Fun on this special day in your life, I will buy candies, chocolates and share with a family on the streets of Nairobi to celebrate your birthday as my gift to you Iva.

Iva we Love you and we join you in celebrating your Birthday from all over the world, there is nothing special like the world celebrating one special life.

Lets keep the flame and exchange ideas and encouragements all the times.

One Love, Felix

the weekend...

i had a nice weekend....nice bordering fabulous....

oooh but let's go back to National Day....my favourite local holiday....it was nice to be able to celebrate in Singapore...last year i spent National Day on United Air from Hong Kong to Chicago...brooding away....depressed that I would miss the festivities which i so love...the marching...the F16s...the apaches... the fireworks....

i remember Aaron saying to me last year..."You're really quite Patriotic, aren't you!"...after complaining endlessly that the US embassy arranged for me to fly out on National Day....

anyways...this year's was spent quietly...iman and i went for a late lunch of sup-tulang...(how much more Singaporean can you get?) at Beach Road...and then headed to...well...one of our favourite spots... to just enjoy each other's company...and hey...we got to see the apache's and the F16s fly over us before heading to the National Stadium....

I loved it...loved it soo much...the soldiers in the crisp ironed uniforms...the beautiful state colours...the marching...the singing...everything...

i didn't get to see the NDP fireworks...live that is...

but iman brought me to Marina to watch the last of the fireworks exhibition...the last time i watched this was 2 years ago with Dr F...and we only watched half of it...cos we were late...and also half of it cos it was half blocked by the Durian spikes of the Esplanade...we were so standing at the wrong spot....but iman...iman got it perfect...

it was hilarious really....

ooooh......

ahhh.....

tsk tsk tsk.....

so nice....

it was such wholesome Singaporean experience....could've brought tears in my eyes...and i'm sure it did bring tears to the eyes of the Singaporeans who thought they had the best seats in town when they decided to dine al'fresco at Spaggedies Marina only to find their view blocked by hordes of kiasu Singaporean's fighting to get a good spot to check out the fireworks display...

i'm proud to announce that I was one of those kiasu Singaporeans who elbowed her way through...

i'm feeling better now....can u tell?

Sonia asked me...iva are you manic?... my answer...no...just melodramatic!

empty (part deux)

it's saturday...and i'm at work...


i feel better today....

like the emptiness has washed over...

yet...the feeling still stays with me...

but in a comforting way...

as if there's a place i can return to...

where i can dwell...

and let my thoughts wonder...

where i can feel lonely...

and empty...

for as long as i need to be...

before returning into the arms of those who love me...

empty

when things slow down...

when the deafening loudness quietens...

an emptiness washes over...

quiet and hollow...

ever present...

masked by the noise...

the routine...

but there....

nevertheless...

i can't stop but fill myself....

and immediately let it pour out...

so that the emptiness becomes comforting...

the emptiness becomes a friend...

empty...

ice-cream frenzy

i've been busy....

what's new?

but last week i was busy selling ice-cream...which was an experience that i truly cherish...

you see...i was tasked to head a committee set up to organise an Appreciation Lunch for staff in our organisation...not only did we have to plan the lunch and the entertainment that came with it....i was also tasked with spearheading our organisation's effort to raise money for the President's Challenge 2006.

The target- $8,000.

We sold ice-cream, cookies and our Senior Management sportingly agreed to do really silly things like wear a whipped cream beard and/or dance the hula, etc to raise money.

My favourite was the ice-cream challenge. We had 3 colleagues who pledged to eat a cup of ice-cream for every $10 raised. We raised quite a bit. And my colleagues had to eat 20, 15 and 12 cups of ice-cream each. It was hilarious and it was a lot of fun.

It added much needed cheer and excitement. And guess what? On the lunch itself, we managed to hit our target!

There were several bumps, it was hard work, filled with our blood, sweat and tears...but the end results were certainly worthwhile!

Perfect Pattaya

Perfect.

Pattaya was absolutely heaven sent.

It had been a gruelling month at work...and I desperately needed some escape...some release from the pressures of working life...

Pattaya was not too far...not too near...it offered a heaven of peace...i was smart enough to choose a resort far enough from the red lights of Pattaya beach...but close enough that I could revel in its nightly energy when i chose to...

I read...I slept...I sunbathed...and I enjoyed massages....


3 massages in all....in this beautiful little Thai traditional massage pavilion....it was spectacular...it was breadthtaking and it made me feel like a million dollars...

but i'm back to the madness that is work....refreshed...but longing...longing to return to that oasis of calm that my spirit visited in perfect pattaya..

Emergency Rescue...Gombal

BREAKING NEWS!

HEAD OF AMIN ABU FAMILY RESCUES BELOVED FAMILY PET!

Last night, at approximately 11.15pm (Singapore Mean Time), Mr Amin Abu returned home from a days work to hear the helpless mews of the family pet. Mr Abu followed the faint sounds into the kitchen and found that Gombal, the 1 year old family cat, was stuck in the gap between the wall of the kitchen and the roof. Gombal looking frightened out of his wits, looked down helplessly mewing for help.

Mr Abu reached up from a chair and tried to pull Gombal down. However, Gombal was too frightened and resisted the rescue effort.

Mr Abu had to apply his wit and intelligence to think of a solution. He finally decided to use an overturned basket to cajole Gombal down. From the basket, Gombal climed onto the top of the refridgerator, and finally made his way down via the basket 'ladder'.

Meanwhile, Mr Abu's eldest daughter looked on, in glee.

national youth forum...06

i find myself...in positions of influence...

i won't lie...i love being able to speak my mind...to feel that i can impress my ideas and opinions on others...especially the young...

but the responsibility is a tremendous one...and sometimes i wonder how i bear it...

often...speakers impress the importance of how their opinions are their own...but we always underestimate our opinions effect the impressionable...

i remember being impressionable...and having my opinions shaped by speakers at forums and dialogues....its amazing that i now find the positions and roles reversed...

a responsibility i'm willing to shoulder...no matter how tremendous...

letting go...yet holding on...

yesterday....memories of a special time came flooding back...filling my soul with nostalgic tears of hopes...hopes withered away...by the cruelties of time...and of distance...

i know...that i have to let go...and yet...as my heart continues to beat...

i realise that instead...

i have clung on ever more desperately...

the time has come...to let it slowly go...

not to be forgotten forever...but treasured as special moments of happiness...

in a past...

that can no longer be...

jagi...its time for both of us to let go...

goodbye newyork...

goodbye niagara

goodbye D.C

goodbye SFO

goodbye LA, Pittsburgh, Bangkok, Ayutthaya, Sukothai, Chiangmai, Chiangrai, Seoul, Sacheon, Gwangju....

i look forward to new things...new moments to remember...

he who made me smileth...

this morning....

someone made me smile....

twas he who made me smileth...

photos...photos

i finally took some effort to log on and check out alicia's wedding photos..

.yes yes it was in March..but still...it was a beautiful wedding and i'll remember it forever.... =)

love u ali...wish u all the best in happiness...and everlasting..lurve....

Joanne, Alicia and Me...doesn't she look the part of a tai-tai?

!

this is me getting a good fistful of a warning to stop calling her an 'or-bit' auntie who i wouldn't be caught alive with at Orchard Road

Mas, me and the beautiful couple...gosh I miss Mas..he still looks like his 16 doesn't he? yeah right..! like multiply 16 by 2.5 i think! hahahahhaa.....

Joanne and I at the wedding dinner...which i mc-eed....this is the only decent pic i have... cos i was wearing a dress too tight for me to breathe in... and all the other pics have been embargoed for I's eyes...only... =)

all in all...a beautiful wedding....

illnews...

ill....again....

god knows why...i keep falling ill...

i woke up on monday morning...feeling as if i my skin wasn't put on quite rightly... something was a miss...my body ached...my skin tingling...i didn't feel the usual bounce in my step...although memories of the evening spent before left me smiling...

i dragged myself to work...it was the last day of my Indon programme...and we had a nice farewell lunch at Tambuah Mas at Tanglin...it was a gorgeous spread...which i couldn't quite enjoy...although i managed to stomach the avocado milk-shake...my absolute favourite Indon beverage...

We returned to college...for the closing which went well...it was one of the Indons birthdays and we planned a surprise celebration during tea time...she broke into a fit of tears...hugging me in thanks and bawling her eyes out...her family were in Jogja and we incontactable...she was feeling forlorn and alone...and having someone celebrate her birthday proved too much for her...i teared along with her as she sobbed...but later she was all smiles...it made me happy...

Embak....our prayers are with you and your family....

I returned home...my body filled with chills...a fever coming...i swallowed a cocktail of panadols and slept the evening away...

I awoke the next morning at 5...feeling feverish but dying to get to the gym for Body Pump...i dressed...and was almost out of the door...when my mom asked me why i looked so pale...she touched my forehead and sent me promptly back to bed...

and there i stayed till i visited the doctor..that proclaimed me ill...too ill for work...

idols idols...

its been a quiet friday spent in quiet reflection...

i was asked a simple question today...that had literally stumped me...one of our local Malay magazines is doing a feature on Idols...wat with American Idol fever just warming us up for Singapore Idol fever...that's just about to begin...i was asked...who my idol was?

and i was stumped...i've never really idolised anybody before...i have tremendous respect for many people...but idolise them?...

i thought...and i knew who i most admired...well his works at least...it was my all-time favourite author....the infamous...Salman Rushdie...who's novel 'Midnight's Children' changed my life and my attitudes towards life a an early age of 16...

But to declare this author of 'the Satanic Verses'...this man who's renounced Islam...who had a fatwa against him...as my IDOL... was certainly unacceptable in the eyes of the conservative Malay Muslim community of which i am a member of...and i certainly am not keen to renounce my membership from the community in the near future...

Anyhow..I thought about it...i idolize his writing...his works...not himself...or the kind of person and values that he upholds...in fact i don't know them...

so i thought some more..but all my 'idol's' are politically wrong...

machiavelli for his cunningness....and wit...and his lack of fear of prosecution...

mao for his intelligence and superior ego...that had moved a country to profess him as the sun that never sets...

kenneth waltz...for converting me to a neo-realists...

was there something wrong with me...other ppl have robbie williams as their idol...pele...kofi annan...britney spears...taufiq? but me?....

and then i remembered...reading about a lady...who sparked off the civil rights movement in America...the poster girl of the movement...who stood up for what she believed was right...who stood in the face of adversity and of danger...who risked her personal liberties to make a point..

Rosa Parks...the lady who refused to give up her seat white woman..aon 01 December 1955...an act that precipitated the largest and most successful civil rights movement at that time- the Montgomery Bus Boycott...which finally led to the successful civil rights movement....

Now this is a lady..who's values i share...who's guts and gumption i wished i could share in...

who i can rightly call...my idol.

soccer fever

saturday...soccer fever...

spent the morning sleeping till 10...iman woke me up...he was on his way to work the poor soul...i headed to the gym to sweat it out...and then spent the rest of the afternoon lounging with Vikram Seth in search of A Suitable Boy...met Iman at Esplanade...and after dinner while toying with the idea of catching a movie...we decided to join ewan (my 24 yr ol baby brother) and friends who were planning to watch the FA cup final at a coffeeshop in Sembawang...

It was a hysterical night...pumped full of adrenaline...i cheered...gulped down teh tarek...cheered some more...screamed...winced...gulped down even more teh tarek...took a loo break...cussed....cheered...jumped up and down...visited the loo...grimaced...winced...drank more teh tarek...went to the loo some more....until after a nail biting end...cheered Liverpool to a well deserved victory!

Was fun to have Iman around...was fun to spend time with Ewan...(hmmmm they sound almost indistingushable)...what was NOT fun...was looking around the crowd at the table...and realising that i was the oldest living being amongst the group...

2 words! NOT FUN!

i felt ANCIENT! sniff....

anyhow...mosy-ing along...Sunday was good fun though!

we celebrated mom's day yesterday...so i haven't been all that happy with the folks...but quiet minor resentments aside...we're generally a happy lot...and we celebrated with aisyah (my 12 yr old not so baby looking sister) and I whipping up a scrambled eggs, baked beans on toast breakfast...ewan did loads of chores...and i baked a pizza lunch! It was half a side of mince meat and mushrooms... and half a side of hawaiian (my fav!)...made 3 of those babies and quietly put aside some for Iman to taste later last night...

and today...today...i spent the morning at PSD (Public Service Division of the PMO) giving a talk to a bunch of young interns...and i was duly rewarded for my general wit and funny banter with a beautiful bouquet of flowes....

SUN FLOWERS...

it certainly perked up my day...i felt sunnier almost immediately...

strained relations

relations have become strained in the household...its unspoken...its not quite our style to flamboyantly protest against one another...our actions... our choices...instead...we have electrically charged conversations in the subject's absence...but everything...everything is often reported back...in hushed tones to the subject...

the result...strained relations...politeness with a tinge of insincerity...everyone acting as if everyone is ok...when everyone is not...

the subject... myself...

the subject...my relations...

the subject...matters of class...status...

its as if i've been transported into one of my treasured indian novels...where caste and class separates...and divides...it saddens me that we continue to trap ourselves by these putrid classifications...

what disappoints me is that the very people who have raised me to see beyong class, colour, religion.. are now the very individuals that espouse it...

i throw my head back and laugh at the very contradictions i find myself in...

i may have finally reached a stage in my life where conformity is no longer acceptable...and rebellion is the order of the day...

heaven of freedom...

the events leading to 8 May 2006...polling day...were a disappointment to me...the state of politicking in this land I call my home...is an utter embarassment...

i wonder if we will ever...break these chains that hold us back...

'where the stream of reason has not lost its way through the dreary desert sand of dead habit,

where the mind is led forward, by thee, towards ever widening thought and action,

into that heaven of freedom, my father, let my country awake...'

Tagore

why bother?

sometimes i wonder why i bother with relationships... isn't it enough trouble trying to deal with your own expectations of yourself...bother about your own future...what you do right...what you do wrong...what you should do better...what people think of you...what your life is going to look like in 10 years time...whether you'd look back and regret it...

looks to me that it takes enough effort to focus on myself...so what makes me think i have what it takes to bother about someone else...what he does right...what he does wrong...what he should or should not do...

after all it's his life not mine... if i can't keep my own life in order what makes me think i should bother about his...

or ours...

why bother...

homestay home-sick

claim 1 :

ibu(mum) thinks that i haven't been spending enough time at home helping her with the housework.

fact 1 :

i haven't been spending any time at home doing any sort of housework. Doing my own laundry apparently doesn't count.

......

claim 2:

ibu(mum) and ayah(dad) thinks that i work too hard and don't take care of my health enough, so i fall ill. just like this week. i've been suffering from a cold that hasn't let up yet.

fact 2:

i do work too hard. my body resistance is pretty low. its not a cold- its a sinus infection (is there a difference, even if it doesn't the latter does make it sound more severe). and i wouldn't fall sick if i got enough rest, which could happen if a certain someone doesn't nag me to do housework over the one day i have free during the week-sundays. (see claim 1)

....

claim 3:

i claim that i cleaned my room, vacummed and mopped both floors of the house, vacuumed the carpeted staircase, tidied and swept the front porch, handwashed a tub full of work shirts, did usual machine laundry, wiped down all the furniture and frames (etc) and ironed the entire families laundry, cleaned the windows, cooked lunch and bathed the cat while nursing my sinus infection.

fact 3:

i cleaned my room, vacummed both floors and the carpeted staircase, tidied and swept the front porch, handwashed half a tub full of work shirts, did usual machine laundry and ironed MY laundry while nursing my sinus infection.

....

claim 4: its been a busy sunday

fact 4: its been a busy sunday.

strange sunday

sunday was strange...not normally spent...

first, i woke up at 8.30 am to Iman's sms..telling ME to wake up...now that has never happened before...at least not on a Sunday morning...in this relationship it is I who do the waking up...and not vice-versa...but Iman's full of surprises...

second, we caught a 12pm show...what's strange about that?..see point 1...Iman doesn't usually open his 'sepet' eyes before 12pm on Sundays...ok ok...maybe he does...occasionally...but he usually has a date with his i-ecology and won't finish steam and vacumming the house till after 12pm...

oh we caught...'where the truth lies'...which I thought was an good film...it was done in a film noir murder mystery movie style...with a first person narrative throughout the entire film...it was meticulous...the pacing deliberate...making you mull over the scenes...slowly replaying the entire events...reordering...retelling...

the cast was outstanding...kevin bacon and colin firth...

the storyline was utter trash of course...revolving around sex, deception, jealousy, rage and an anal sex, better known in Singapore as brokeback, scene..

but how it was told..? with a touch of class...and elegance...

what wasn't strage about the movie was that Iman didn't enjoy it...but i did...still he sat through the entire movie...might have fallen asleep a little midway...but he did wake up at 8.30 am...on a Sunday...so it was excusable...of course.

but he had a point...there were scenes which were slow...too deliberate...and the plot so thick... that it was difficult to see the point at times...but u know...me and miss-i-love-to-think-things-through-maybe-a-bit-too-much-some-times....really enjoyed it...

three, after the movie on the way back to the car...we were stopped for a survey...and one thing led to another and we found oursevels in an 80 minute timeshare presentation...which we had to sit through to get a 7 night free stay...in several places including Spain, etc...normally i would turn it down...but the poor pitiful girl...told me that if she brought us up...she'd get 100 bucks for it...what wasn't strange...was that i didnt' say no...u know i couldn't...

so it was an 80 minute presentation...the story was...we were engaged...getting married soon...and laa dee daa....it was fun...gave me a warm fuzzy feeling... iman spoke thorougly seriously to the lady about marriage plans...honeymoon destinations...and how his dream wedding could be orchestrated at half the price through this timeshare thingee...

but ya know...both our bank accounts aren't exactly loaded with cash...so after about 120 minutes...that's 40 minutes more than we had promised to sit through...we have a 7 night free stay to use before the year is up...maybe bali...that would be nice...

all in all...it was a strange sunday...but nice...definitely nice...

quiet...

its almost ten...

its quiet...

the office...just hours ago...a bustling hive of activity...is now empty...empty of laughter...of incessant chatter...of life...

the stillness drains me of the little energy i feel in my bones...the loneliness gnawing on the tense muscles of my shoulders...the emptiness willing not only my physical but my mental self to collapse...defeated in exhaustion...in sheer sadness...

a depression that fills a being...who's life after work...is work itself...

ze weeks gone by...

its been wonderful...crazy...mad...delightful...sad...tedious...tiring...soothing...

now that i think about it...the weeks that have gone by have flown by...but there were some points during the week when i felt that it took all the energy in the world to keep my head up and the tears from falling.

work somehow managed to get under my skin as i juggled multiple projects...and had to cope with intense stress levels in the office...the general chaos that i should accept to be a part of my job now...but that's over...and the girls and i celebrated with drinks 2 saturdays ago...

then last week i was in Delhi for work...wed night till friday night...again...the chaos...it added to my frazzled nerves... the traffic...the pollution...the movement...the heat...but it strung me up and wound me up so tight...that upon departure...the process of unwinding was so rapid...so intense...that it catapulted me into a state of relaxation that has since, rejuvenated me...

on the social aspects of my life...its been good...iman's always a breadth of fresh air...and he kept me going when i was down...it was almost as if it was only when i was with him that i could feel at ease with the world...he's also introduced me to the world of the 'budak Simei' or the Simei kids...who've been wonderful company...somehow reminding me how much diversity we have in life...and more importantly how we should always strive to include that diversity in our lives to keep us centred...stable...and always in touch...

zul's been a wonderful friend too...he's always been...but for so many years i had thought i had lost that friend...but i was wrong...his company has been soothing... and his advice always enlightening...he's had some good news recently...and my heart warms to celebrate his happiness...

in the midst of all the happiness...i've also felt some nostalgia...can i call it that?...remembering things that once were...feelings...that i can't forget...memories...that i can't erase...but as zul reminds me...i should see what is in front of me...and cherish it...appreciate it...

i do...i do...

its about the now....not about the then....

about this girl

about this girl...

" this reflection...i loathe this reflection...what do i loathe?...everything...i see imperfection...don't you?...don't you see it?...chubbiness...everything about me is chubby...no...don't you dare use the F word...the thought of it makes me sick...but i know i am...not beautiful...imperfect...just say it...say it...hideous!...i want to be perfect...anything less than perfect is revolting...disgusting...i hate people who are thin..and beautiful...i hate them...because they're perfect...they are...perfect...i wish i were like them...that would be perfect.."

intelligence. confidence. joyfulness. cheerfulness. wit. humour. wisdom. empathy. why would any of this matter when one only judges one self by the exterior...not matter how superficial...

how can this girl love herself...she sees only imperfection...and the many reasons why she doesn't deserve any happiness or love in this world...and never the many reasons why she does...

would you pity this girl...would you empathise with her...i do...i pity her...

fishy drama...

last week...to my absolute horror...i found ChiamST...my light greyish yellow guppy...resting his tails ever so often at the bottom of his 'tank'...i cajoled him to swim as he used to...to glide through the waters as effortlessly as before...but every stroke his little fins made seemed a tremendous effort too much my poor lil' Chiam to endure...he didn't even surface to feast on the fishy flakes i crush to little bits for their tiny fishy palette...

even TeoCH seemed concern...swimming close to ChiamST...as if willing him to go on...it seemed clear to both fish and i..that ChiamST's time was almost over...

i knew my heart was going to break into a million pieces...as i googled for what could be wrong...i found no answers...in a vain attempt...to keep me occupied as my work just seemed suddenly dull...bland...even unimportant...i decided to clean the 'tank'...I carried the tank..now empty of its residences that now temporarily swam in little bowls on my table... off its resting place...onto the trolley...and to the restroom...where the kind restroom keeper lady...helped me clean the 'tank's' contents...

i left that evening...my heart heavy... i was to be at alicia's wedding the whole day after..and wouldn't be around...lest the undesirable were to occur...

the next day...i woke early...as a jie-mei to alicia... i was at her place at the break of dawn...too occupied to think about anything else...but the bride...it was only later...while waiting at the groom's place...that flynn called...my heart almost stopped...thinking it was bad news about ChiamST...she asked about work...my heart pounded...anticipating the bad news....i waited...but nothing....i plucked up the courage...and asked...

'He's fine! He's been swimming happily all morning!'...

My brief moments of quite relief...were shortlived...as an amazing sense of euphoria sweeped over me!....

I had to tell Alicia...who cares if she's in the middle of the tea-ceremony...this is certainly more important....ChiamST's OK!

gombal

in the same way that some people walk into our lives to fill an empty void that you had grown so accustomed to that it goes hardly noticed...gombal's entry into our life revealed the voids that it now fills with happiness...smiles...and endless laughter...

the tale began some time ago when aisyah and i found 3 not-quite-abandoned kittens in my neighbours porch...mommy cat found our human presence a threat and decided to move the kittens to safety... worried, aisyah and i searched the drains on saturday...copying their tiny mews hoping to locate them and save them from the jaws of the dangerous mutts that roamed our estate...but to no avail...

our mews were overheard by a neighbour who came to the conclusion that our household was in search of some kittenish company...2 days later she appeared at our gate...holding a grey tabby kitten, in search of a home, in her arms... i couldn't turn the kitten away...instead we welcomed it into our home...

mum named her gombal...which is javanese for 'dish-rag'...but a dish-rag she isn't...my mum who hadn't ever been fond of cats has fallen in love with gombal...having found something/one else to dote upon now that her baby daughter-aisyah is 12 and hardly a baby anymore...

gombal walks by mum's side...sits by her...comes running whenever my mum calls...and even sleeps with her...we all may be envious of the special place she's claimed in mum's heart...but we all love her equally for she's brought so much cheer and happiness to our household...

oh...and after thinking that gombal was a she...a trip to the VET announced that gombal was NOT A SHE..but a HE....i still call him her...and call him 'girl' instead of 'boy'...it was silly but..according to the vet a forgiveable mistake on our part!

regardless...

we love her..no him....! we love HIM!

birth and death....

eulogy:

to my fishy- Min. Ng E.H.- its life with us may have been short-lived but it was a time of happiness and joy... i will miss watching you as you glide in the blue waters of the little oasis in our cubicle...no fishy will replace your beautiful red tail...your deligtfully coloured fins...the wonderful gleam of your scales in the sun...your absence will not go un-noticed...may you find happiness in the after-fishy-life...

my fishy died... We suspect that Min. Ng E.H. was murdered. We came into the office to find its tail ravaged. We suspect it was the work of the two yellow fishies- Maliki and Min. Vivian. We've noticed how the two would go after the senior Min Ng. E.H. in the tank always going after its beautiful red tail. I suspect it was a crime of passion. Of jealousy. Of intrigue!

i was distraught...noticing my fishy at the bottom of the vase...i ran out of my cubicle as brave Flynn fished its lifeless form out of the vase and proceeded to flush it down to fishy heaven...

i was almost in tears...

on a different subject...it was Iman's birthday yesterday... we had a lovely dinner of chilly crab...and we sang a birthday song over dessert at windy clarke quay...our hands cupped over the wavering flame of the candle...as he closed his eyes and made a wish...i wonder what it was that he wished for...as he blew the candle out...i made my own wish...

for his life to always be filled with genuine and sincere love...for iman deserves all the happiness in the world...always...

it was a quietly celebrated birthday yesterday..just the way i like birthdays celebrated...

happy birthday sayang...

Fishy Business

Have been back in the office since last Friday. Work's been mad. Lahore was mad! One good day of sight-seeing which was followed by three consecutive work days filled with meetings from 9 in the morning to almost 9 at night. Crazy. So crazy that i came back with almost 90% of the cash i brought along for shopping. When i told Nana this she responded ,'You? You didn't shop?'. Right you are! But the trip was fun nonetheless. I made friends, and i got to see Lahore- albeit just a little of Lahore but it was good. Anyways, it seems as if I'm going to be visiting Lahore quite frequently in future. So all's good!

This week, operation fishy business kicked into first gear. The girls and I decided to christen our new office with a lovely fish habitat to add some cheer and much needed entertainment on days when work just gets the better of us all!

Phase ONE of Operation Fishy Business began yesterday with a lunch trip to IKEA where we bought ourself a beautiful vase and some lovely blue pebbles to go with it.

Phase TWO was conducted in the office's corner toilet. Three giggly girls fussing over a VERY heavy vase. We managed to clean it and fill it with water. Carried it with much difficulty back to the office. Naturally, I volunteered my strength and finess for this task but ended up pouring half the contents of the vase on my blouse!

Phase THREE was conducted at lunchtime this afternoon. We headed to Ghim Moh market for lunch and then to the fish-shop where we proceeded to choose some pretty guppies, fish-bowl greens and a turd-eater fish!

We initially wanted 4 fish- one for myself, one for Flynn, one for Ame and one for Poh Ling (who doesn't sit in our cubicle, but she is our beloved manager and hey! who's going to deny the woman who doesn't stop the endless nonsense that we get ourselves into during office hours!) BUT the lady at the shop said that 4 was an inauspicious number. So..it made all sense for me to suggest getting 8 to get maximum worth of the auspiciousness the fish would bring, but my suggestion was conveniently ignored as my 3 other colleagues quickly proceeded to choose another fish to complete the collection...

Phase FOUR, the final stage! We came back and introduced our fish to the fish bowl/vase! And they're swimming happily now.... see! ok ok..you can't really see the fish..but you get the idea! (that's Leo 'fishing, hahahahaha)

Oh and u know..i saw some cute terrapins. Flynn and I think they'll be good company in the office but everyone else disagreed. I'll do some internet research on terrapins and how to care for them before i moot the idea again!

Something else happened today to add to the excitement of the day...i was surprised by a visit by a most terrifying, gruesome, icky tiny black lizard! It popped out from behind my pc today! It there's one thing i detest, and am completely afraid off- ITS LIZARDS! I screamed and shouted and ran out of the cubicle...to my colleagues distress...everyone came round to see, but it had dissappeared. I've called our trusty office-superman (he's the man you call for everyting! Rashid that is)- he says he'll call the pest control people. Until then, i'm not going to be able to rest easy...

Lahore- A snippet...

I woke up to an aroma of spicy curries and freshly baked naan wafting up to the second floor, through the corridor, under our door and into our room, drawing us out of bed. I pulled the crumpled white sheets over my head willing myself to go back to sleep. I heard Poh Ling climb out of bed and then the sound of the shower running.

I buried my face in my pillow, smiling. It was all still hazy but I remembered him smiling. The warmth of his embrace enveloping me like a new born wrapped tight in fresh woolen blankets. A gentle sigh escaped under my breadth, wishing that it was more than a mere dream, reminiscing the sweet memory of a night of passion, still fresh in my mind.

“Hey, wake up!”

The hot water gushed out of the shower. Soothing, massaging. As I soaped myself, I thought about the journey. Nine or so hours spent on the plane and in transit. Hours I spent thinking about what lay ahead in Lahore, indulging on long day-dreams of him. How much I missed his smile, how the pillow was a poor substitute for his shoulders and how he would frown when I told him I watched ‘Walk the Line’ on the Kris flyer screen without him.

I reached for the towel and proceeded to dab myself dry. I made a mental checklist of the itinerary today. First breakfast, then sightseeing to Lahore Fort, the Shabadshi Masjeed, lunch, shopping and then the Wagha border.

I was excited. Pakistan had always been a destination I knew I was destined for. I can’t quite explain it but from the first instance I read South Asian history- the separation of 1971, the 3 wars of liberation and independence fought on this sub-continent, I had felt the strongest desire to see India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. A desire that runs deeper than that of a tourist wanting to enjoy exotic sights, it was a desire that signaled deeper linkages of fate and destiny.

All through breakfast, I thought about how I had already fulfilled my dream of breathing thick spicy Indian air, when I spent a month refurbishing a school in Ludhiana in Winter of 2004 and, a year later, building a school in the middle of lush Patiala fields. Now, in a completely different phase of my life, I was staying at the Pearl Continental Lahore. It was a far cry from the 3 bedroom house I shared with 19 other Singaporeans in Patiala, India. I was here on business, not for volunteer work. I was here for a mere 5 days and not 21 days. I had grown, but I had not grown out of my love for South Asia.

I stepped out of the doors of the hotel. The dusty roads of Lahore beckoned, inviting me to partake in its revelry…but not before I send him another sms…

lahore

"He who has not yet seen Lahore, has not been born!"

I'm looking forward to being reborn....

best friends

sonia celebrates her 27th year today

... i didn't get to celebrate her 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th and now 27th birthday with her...its just not quite the same when a person's not by your side...not an arm length's away...

so i can drop her an email...call her...chat with her over msn even...but its just not the same to be able to hug your best friend and tell her that you celebrate her existence in this world...because without her...your life just wouldn't have been the same...that she made you laugh that much harder...that she was the only one you could be honest with about your deepest darkest secrets...she was the only one you were sure wouldn't laugh when you shared your deepest desire...your wondrous dreams...

i remember when Sonia left for Sydney...11 years ago...it literally felt like my world fell apart...that i would never find someone else to laugh and share with the way i could with her...sometimes i look back and i laugh at my young naive self...but now i realise i was right all along... i never did find someone else to laugh and share with the way i could with her...

i look back over the last 11 years...distance has not allowed us to grow apart...we grew into individuals with different dreams, opinions and goals...but yet our friendship stayed the same. Every couple of years...when we meet...it feels like no time had lapsed in between...we always picked up where we left off...speedily catching up...so that we do not become victims of time and distance...but instead beneficiaries...

happy birthday son...remember the time we stalked the cast of Les Mis....remember the time we were U2....remember nightshade, miriabella...remember the Bafoons...remember Mersing...remember Sentosa and the paddle boats...remember the Exorcist...remember the rolling game...remember tequila night...remember LEX...remember...

i'll never forget the time past...and i look forward to the times ahead...

today i celebrate my best friend...may your life be filled with laughter, love and lots and lots and lots and lots of happiness...