illnews...

ill....again....

god knows why...i keep falling ill...

i woke up on monday morning...feeling as if i my skin wasn't put on quite rightly... something was a miss...my body ached...my skin tingling...i didn't feel the usual bounce in my step...although memories of the evening spent before left me smiling...

i dragged myself to work...it was the last day of my Indon programme...and we had a nice farewell lunch at Tambuah Mas at Tanglin...it was a gorgeous spread...which i couldn't quite enjoy...although i managed to stomach the avocado milk-shake...my absolute favourite Indon beverage...

We returned to college...for the closing which went well...it was one of the Indons birthdays and we planned a surprise celebration during tea time...she broke into a fit of tears...hugging me in thanks and bawling her eyes out...her family were in Jogja and we incontactable...she was feeling forlorn and alone...and having someone celebrate her birthday proved too much for her...i teared along with her as she sobbed...but later she was all smiles...it made me happy...

Embak....our prayers are with you and your family....

I returned home...my body filled with chills...a fever coming...i swallowed a cocktail of panadols and slept the evening away...

I awoke the next morning at 5...feeling feverish but dying to get to the gym for Body Pump...i dressed...and was almost out of the door...when my mom asked me why i looked so pale...she touched my forehead and sent me promptly back to bed...

and there i stayed till i visited the doctor..that proclaimed me ill...too ill for work...

idols idols...

its been a quiet friday spent in quiet reflection...

i was asked a simple question today...that had literally stumped me...one of our local Malay magazines is doing a feature on Idols...wat with American Idol fever just warming us up for Singapore Idol fever...that's just about to begin...i was asked...who my idol was?

and i was stumped...i've never really idolised anybody before...i have tremendous respect for many people...but idolise them?...

i thought...and i knew who i most admired...well his works at least...it was my all-time favourite author....the infamous...Salman Rushdie...who's novel 'Midnight's Children' changed my life and my attitudes towards life a an early age of 16...

But to declare this author of 'the Satanic Verses'...this man who's renounced Islam...who had a fatwa against him...as my IDOL... was certainly unacceptable in the eyes of the conservative Malay Muslim community of which i am a member of...and i certainly am not keen to renounce my membership from the community in the near future...

Anyhow..I thought about it...i idolize his writing...his works...not himself...or the kind of person and values that he upholds...in fact i don't know them...

so i thought some more..but all my 'idol's' are politically wrong...

machiavelli for his cunningness....and wit...and his lack of fear of prosecution...

mao for his intelligence and superior ego...that had moved a country to profess him as the sun that never sets...

kenneth waltz...for converting me to a neo-realists...

was there something wrong with me...other ppl have robbie williams as their idol...pele...kofi annan...britney spears...taufiq? but me?....

and then i remembered...reading about a lady...who sparked off the civil rights movement in America...the poster girl of the movement...who stood up for what she believed was right...who stood in the face of adversity and of danger...who risked her personal liberties to make a point..

Rosa Parks...the lady who refused to give up her seat white woman..aon 01 December 1955...an act that precipitated the largest and most successful civil rights movement at that time- the Montgomery Bus Boycott...which finally led to the successful civil rights movement....

Now this is a lady..who's values i share...who's guts and gumption i wished i could share in...

who i can rightly call...my idol.

soccer fever

saturday...soccer fever...

spent the morning sleeping till 10...iman woke me up...he was on his way to work the poor soul...i headed to the gym to sweat it out...and then spent the rest of the afternoon lounging with Vikram Seth in search of A Suitable Boy...met Iman at Esplanade...and after dinner while toying with the idea of catching a movie...we decided to join ewan (my 24 yr ol baby brother) and friends who were planning to watch the FA cup final at a coffeeshop in Sembawang...

It was a hysterical night...pumped full of adrenaline...i cheered...gulped down teh tarek...cheered some more...screamed...winced...gulped down even more teh tarek...took a loo break...cussed....cheered...jumped up and down...visited the loo...grimaced...winced...drank more teh tarek...went to the loo some more....until after a nail biting end...cheered Liverpool to a well deserved victory!

Was fun to have Iman around...was fun to spend time with Ewan...(hmmmm they sound almost indistingushable)...what was NOT fun...was looking around the crowd at the table...and realising that i was the oldest living being amongst the group...

2 words! NOT FUN!

i felt ANCIENT! sniff....

anyhow...mosy-ing along...Sunday was good fun though!

we celebrated mom's day yesterday...so i haven't been all that happy with the folks...but quiet minor resentments aside...we're generally a happy lot...and we celebrated with aisyah (my 12 yr old not so baby looking sister) and I whipping up a scrambled eggs, baked beans on toast breakfast...ewan did loads of chores...and i baked a pizza lunch! It was half a side of mince meat and mushrooms... and half a side of hawaiian (my fav!)...made 3 of those babies and quietly put aside some for Iman to taste later last night...

and today...today...i spent the morning at PSD (Public Service Division of the PMO) giving a talk to a bunch of young interns...and i was duly rewarded for my general wit and funny banter with a beautiful bouquet of flowes....

SUN FLOWERS...

it certainly perked up my day...i felt sunnier almost immediately...

strained relations

relations have become strained in the household...its unspoken...its not quite our style to flamboyantly protest against one another...our actions... our choices...instead...we have electrically charged conversations in the subject's absence...but everything...everything is often reported back...in hushed tones to the subject...

the result...strained relations...politeness with a tinge of insincerity...everyone acting as if everyone is ok...when everyone is not...

the subject... myself...

the subject...my relations...

the subject...matters of class...status...

its as if i've been transported into one of my treasured indian novels...where caste and class separates...and divides...it saddens me that we continue to trap ourselves by these putrid classifications...

what disappoints me is that the very people who have raised me to see beyong class, colour, religion.. are now the very individuals that espouse it...

i throw my head back and laugh at the very contradictions i find myself in...

i may have finally reached a stage in my life where conformity is no longer acceptable...and rebellion is the order of the day...

heaven of freedom...

the events leading to 8 May 2006...polling day...were a disappointment to me...the state of politicking in this land I call my home...is an utter embarassment...

i wonder if we will ever...break these chains that hold us back...

'where the stream of reason has not lost its way through the dreary desert sand of dead habit,

where the mind is led forward, by thee, towards ever widening thought and action,

into that heaven of freedom, my father, let my country awake...'

Tagore

why bother?

sometimes i wonder why i bother with relationships... isn't it enough trouble trying to deal with your own expectations of yourself...bother about your own future...what you do right...what you do wrong...what you should do better...what people think of you...what your life is going to look like in 10 years time...whether you'd look back and regret it...

looks to me that it takes enough effort to focus on myself...so what makes me think i have what it takes to bother about someone else...what he does right...what he does wrong...what he should or should not do...

after all it's his life not mine... if i can't keep my own life in order what makes me think i should bother about his...

or ours...

why bother...