a democratic choice- hamas

photo from AP reuters

democracy.

isn't it ironic? Pax Americana efforts towards democratization have resulted in an outcome everyone especially Bush was quite unprepared for. the palestinian electorate has voted into office a terrorist organisation. one that is certainly vehemently against the Israeli nation/state. the people want change, progress. and the ruling Fatah party-corrupt ridden- was not going to be the vehicle of their salvation. but would Fatah party be the lesser of two evils? perhaps for the non-Islamic world. those who still shudder at the image of a bearded, 'turban' wearing Muslim man with an arsenal of explosives strapped to his chest. but for the Palestinians, returning the Fatah party to power would mean the continuation of a corrupt regime. one that would not seek to improve their lives. the Hamas promises progress.

an opinion. now that the Hamas can engage in political discourse. within the mainstream. they would no longer need to engage in subversive acts of terror to deliver their point. naive opinion? i think so. ridden with idealism as well, i think. perhaps, in a different world. a world where the Hamas isn't immediately pushed into the corner to denounce terror. a world where bush and rice won't immediately threaten to cut aid to the Palestinians. a world where the Israelis along with the Western world does not immediately state that they will not negotiate with the Hamas. will the Hamas compromise their stands just to meet the demands of the Western world? will they signal their 'weakness' by toeing the line?

this obviously spells trouble for the middle east peace process. i'm not thrilled by the prospect of extended conflict in the gaza strip. the world needs peaceful progress. but hasn't this event brought to the fore, some wonderful observations? how the US dictates democracy, and in instances such as these- democratically elected parties are shunned, while in other cases non-democratically elected leaders are accepted. the neo-realists were right all along. weren't they?

democracy is best as long as the outcome is favourable to strategic interests...of who? the dominant global power...entrenched interests...the status quo?

democracy...bestows the right to the people to decide who best represents their interests...and this instance, whether you like it or not... the people have spoken...we can just sit back and watch as the drama unfolds...

lil' marc

big boss returned to Singapore for a visit last week. last i saw her was in LA just a couple of months ago. when life sung a different tune. both for me and for her. she hadn't had her lil' marc and i had him. now, she's the beaming mother and i am... well, me. i'm not unhappy. in fact, i've been enjoying content and satisfaction. after all, i have had my sorrow taken away by someone who has quickly established his importance in my life. but nothing could compare to the delight i noticed in big boss's eyes. she had been wishing for this for the longest time. and we all shared her happiness.

lil' marc was absolutely breath-taking. his little hands gripped my fingers tightly as i cradled him in my arms. he looked into my eyes enchantedly and started cooing away. as if i understood the tales he regaled. he chuckled and grinned. and in an instance i could not help but fall in love.

i delight in big boss's happiness. and i share in her pride. i wish her, big mark and lil' marc all the happiness in the world. for only when we share in each other's delights do we truly live.

never let me go

Yann Martell. he was losing hope and running out of money. he ended up in india with 500 usd in his pocket. a land he knew that the little amount he had would last him for months, perhaps years. he wrote the Man Booker Prize winner Life of Pi...

i've dreamt. of leaving everything behind. in pursuit of a dream. a hope no matter how distant. of immortality. of creating something greater than myself. something that will live on beyond my time here. leaving a mark in the pages of history that preserves a memory of quiet significance. a novel. a movement. a legacy...

this same feeling washes over me many times over. during the motorcycle diaries (che guevera). in my acquaintance with a Belarussian youth opposition leader. when reading Rushdie. Naipaul. LKY. Lahiri. even Austen...

this morning. i sat watching a group of young secondary schoolchildren jogging around their school. at the bus stop. holding a novel in one hand. my mood sombre. i noticed in them. youthful gaiety. innocence. rowdy enthusiasm. energy. vibrance. everything i am? no, was. years ago...

my breathing quickened. colour draining out of my face. my hands shook. pulling my novel towards my chest. i sighed...

time. increasingly less time. less time to dream. even lesser time to make them real. have i subverted my ideals for materialistic benefits of the modern world. have i become a devout follower of the religion of mass consumerism. unable to distinguish what is capitalistic imposed desires from what is innately human and true to myself? is there a difference? i don't even know anymore. all i know is that i've let go of many of my dreams and ideals that revolve around ethics, morality, human instincts of charity and righteousness, for materialistic 'necessities'. i can no longer fathom forsaking 'material stability' to pursue that which i feel most strongly for. the desire to pursue that which will fulfill my own humanity...

i clutched my novel closer. holding on to it as if it was a life bouy. ironic. it was Kazuo Ishiguro's 'Never Let Me Go'. a novel of quiet desperation...

insular paths, widening expectations

i volunteer with mclub's young minds club. conduct workshops for kids between 13-15 on issues like globalization, active citizenry, leadership and work with them on community service initiatives. yesterday, i conducted one of youth leadership for the (now) sec3s after months of just working with the (now) sec 2s. the Sec 3s are a smaller bunch and the quality of interaction is so much higher because of it. i've missed the banter and the intelligent discourse. so it was an especially amazing saturday afternoon. i could think of no better way of spending it.

.... my sec3s have grown. with some encouragement, their horizons have expanded. i notice how much more critically they think. the introspection that occurs when thinking about certain issues. of course, on the onset you still get them skimming the surface of issues, thinking locally rather than globally. but with some gentle prodding, i find them going beyond the obvious and looking deeper. asking more difficult questions. testing themselves and each other.

.... its a wonderful feeling to be part of this intellectual development, and in other components of our programmes to provide some impetus for their moral and personal growth as well. expectations have widened so much and we must continue to push our young to stray from insular paths. to walk outside the boundaries. to push their limits and yet at the same time keeping them rooted so that they continue to be grounded and not rise to a level of elitist alienation.

.... its not all about them. they push me to think harder. to feel deeper. to look at myself and my shortcomings. to criticise. constructively. to improve myself. tis a terribly enriching and satisfying experience...

an ol' entry

i came across an old journal. sometimes u look forwards so much in life that you forget to look back at your own past, and remember who you are. sometimes i forget what really matters. i'm thankful that i have memories recorded for my own reflection...

this was my entry on 24th February 2002:

i've had a very beautiful and perfect life. and although i am still very young and life may have many great hurdles ahead for me to cross, i should remember that, so far, i've had it very good.

i can't explain why i've become so sentimental lately. constantly evaluating the treasures i have, the beauty i've seen.

if anyone were to wonder about what thoughts constantly cross my mind, it is about my childhood. perhaps it is because i feel as if a chapter of my life will soon draw to a close and a new one will begin.

god has been exceptionally generous to me. he has left me on earth with the two most loving parents anyone could ever wish for. my parents have been my everything. i'm proud to say that i love them dearly and am so proud of them.

i wish to age as gracefully as my mother. to be as determined and spirited as my father and to enjoy the same love they possess for each other with my own true love. one of my greatest hopes is to have, just one, at least a son or daughter who will adore me, half as much as i adore them.

the other light of my life is Ewan. i think the both of us are inseparable. i feel so much pride and love for a baby brother, who i know, will always make me proud.

i'm nothing without thes people i love so much. they are a part of my living being. they are the lungs through which i breathe, they are the eyes though which i see, they are the heart through which i live.

it there was one thing to remember my life by, it would be the greatness of those i love and who have made everything complete.

lists

a snobbish introspection into the simple life. my list of thanks, wishes, hopes & dreams. decipher for yourself which are which:

a family that loves and supports me fully. friends that laugh with me. joes that offer me his clean white shirt to cry on. emails from LA asking me how i am. giggles in mersing. movies. alicia. my gombal snuggling up. iman. long walks. delicious crispy prata soaked in dhal. logical thinking. best friends that will cancel everything to be with me when i'm down. green crispy lettuce. babies. iman. hugs from caring souls who think me worthy of being their friend. a PhD. hammocks. long nights chatting. old boyfriends. bright yellow buddhist monk type pants. teh tarek. a great job with travel opportunities. iman. growing old with someone i love. coffee.
ben and jerry's. a pistachio green couch.

i'm feeling better.

happy birthday

today i dedicate to a person who made my world spin. he made me laugh. smile. giggle. taught me to love again. to hope for more than i thought the world could offer me.

he gave me a glimpse of what life can offer if we seek to venture beyond the depths we thought were explorable.

it was not meant to be. i understand.

thank u for helping me live again. thank u for seoul, sacheon, bangkok, sukothai, ayutthaya, chiangmai, chiangrai, boston, new york, niagara, washington, pittsburgh, chicago, sfo and la. thank u for the view from the empire state building. thank you for standing beneath the golden gate bridge with me. thank you for sharing my dreams and hopes and pushing me on.

even if it was for a brief moment. i'd choose to do it all over again with you.

jagiya, happy birthday. nel chigum chorom.