never let me go

Yann Martell. he was losing hope and running out of money. he ended up in india with 500 usd in his pocket. a land he knew that the little amount he had would last him for months, perhaps years. he wrote the Man Booker Prize winner Life of Pi...

i've dreamt. of leaving everything behind. in pursuit of a dream. a hope no matter how distant. of immortality. of creating something greater than myself. something that will live on beyond my time here. leaving a mark in the pages of history that preserves a memory of quiet significance. a novel. a movement. a legacy...

this same feeling washes over me many times over. during the motorcycle diaries (che guevera). in my acquaintance with a Belarussian youth opposition leader. when reading Rushdie. Naipaul. LKY. Lahiri. even Austen...

this morning. i sat watching a group of young secondary schoolchildren jogging around their school. at the bus stop. holding a novel in one hand. my mood sombre. i noticed in them. youthful gaiety. innocence. rowdy enthusiasm. energy. vibrance. everything i am? no, was. years ago...

my breathing quickened. colour draining out of my face. my hands shook. pulling my novel towards my chest. i sighed...

time. increasingly less time. less time to dream. even lesser time to make them real. have i subverted my ideals for materialistic benefits of the modern world. have i become a devout follower of the religion of mass consumerism. unable to distinguish what is capitalistic imposed desires from what is innately human and true to myself? is there a difference? i don't even know anymore. all i know is that i've let go of many of my dreams and ideals that revolve around ethics, morality, human instincts of charity and righteousness, for materialistic 'necessities'. i can no longer fathom forsaking 'material stability' to pursue that which i feel most strongly for. the desire to pursue that which will fulfill my own humanity...

i clutched my novel closer. holding on to it as if it was a life bouy. ironic. it was Kazuo Ishiguro's 'Never Let Me Go'. a novel of quiet desperation...