Perfect Pattaya

Perfect.

Pattaya was absolutely heaven sent.

It had been a gruelling month at work...and I desperately needed some escape...some release from the pressures of working life...

Pattaya was not too far...not too near...it offered a heaven of peace...i was smart enough to choose a resort far enough from the red lights of Pattaya beach...but close enough that I could revel in its nightly energy when i chose to...

I read...I slept...I sunbathed...and I enjoyed massages....


3 massages in all....in this beautiful little Thai traditional massage pavilion....it was spectacular...it was breadthtaking and it made me feel like a million dollars...

but i'm back to the madness that is work....refreshed...but longing...longing to return to that oasis of calm that my spirit visited in perfect pattaya..

Emergency Rescue...Gombal

BREAKING NEWS!

HEAD OF AMIN ABU FAMILY RESCUES BELOVED FAMILY PET!

Last night, at approximately 11.15pm (Singapore Mean Time), Mr Amin Abu returned home from a days work to hear the helpless mews of the family pet. Mr Abu followed the faint sounds into the kitchen and found that Gombal, the 1 year old family cat, was stuck in the gap between the wall of the kitchen and the roof. Gombal looking frightened out of his wits, looked down helplessly mewing for help.

Mr Abu reached up from a chair and tried to pull Gombal down. However, Gombal was too frightened and resisted the rescue effort.

Mr Abu had to apply his wit and intelligence to think of a solution. He finally decided to use an overturned basket to cajole Gombal down. From the basket, Gombal climed onto the top of the refridgerator, and finally made his way down via the basket 'ladder'.

Meanwhile, Mr Abu's eldest daughter looked on, in glee.

national youth forum...06

i find myself...in positions of influence...

i won't lie...i love being able to speak my mind...to feel that i can impress my ideas and opinions on others...especially the young...

but the responsibility is a tremendous one...and sometimes i wonder how i bear it...

often...speakers impress the importance of how their opinions are their own...but we always underestimate our opinions effect the impressionable...

i remember being impressionable...and having my opinions shaped by speakers at forums and dialogues....its amazing that i now find the positions and roles reversed...

a responsibility i'm willing to shoulder...no matter how tremendous...

letting go...yet holding on...

yesterday....memories of a special time came flooding back...filling my soul with nostalgic tears of hopes...hopes withered away...by the cruelties of time...and of distance...

i know...that i have to let go...and yet...as my heart continues to beat...

i realise that instead...

i have clung on ever more desperately...

the time has come...to let it slowly go...

not to be forgotten forever...but treasured as special moments of happiness...

in a past...

that can no longer be...

jagi...its time for both of us to let go...

goodbye newyork...

goodbye niagara

goodbye D.C

goodbye SFO

goodbye LA, Pittsburgh, Bangkok, Ayutthaya, Sukothai, Chiangmai, Chiangrai, Seoul, Sacheon, Gwangju....

i look forward to new things...new moments to remember...

he who made me smileth...

this morning....

someone made me smile....

twas he who made me smileth...

photos...photos

i finally took some effort to log on and check out alicia's wedding photos..

.yes yes it was in March..but still...it was a beautiful wedding and i'll remember it forever.... =)

love u ali...wish u all the best in happiness...and everlasting..lurve....

Joanne, Alicia and Me...doesn't she look the part of a tai-tai?

!

this is me getting a good fistful of a warning to stop calling her an 'or-bit' auntie who i wouldn't be caught alive with at Orchard Road

Mas, me and the beautiful couple...gosh I miss Mas..he still looks like his 16 doesn't he? yeah right..! like multiply 16 by 2.5 i think! hahahahhaa.....

Joanne and I at the wedding dinner...which i mc-eed....this is the only decent pic i have... cos i was wearing a dress too tight for me to breathe in... and all the other pics have been embargoed for I's eyes...only... =)

all in all...a beautiful wedding....

illnews...

ill....again....

god knows why...i keep falling ill...

i woke up on monday morning...feeling as if i my skin wasn't put on quite rightly... something was a miss...my body ached...my skin tingling...i didn't feel the usual bounce in my step...although memories of the evening spent before left me smiling...

i dragged myself to work...it was the last day of my Indon programme...and we had a nice farewell lunch at Tambuah Mas at Tanglin...it was a gorgeous spread...which i couldn't quite enjoy...although i managed to stomach the avocado milk-shake...my absolute favourite Indon beverage...

We returned to college...for the closing which went well...it was one of the Indons birthdays and we planned a surprise celebration during tea time...she broke into a fit of tears...hugging me in thanks and bawling her eyes out...her family were in Jogja and we incontactable...she was feeling forlorn and alone...and having someone celebrate her birthday proved too much for her...i teared along with her as she sobbed...but later she was all smiles...it made me happy...

Embak....our prayers are with you and your family....

I returned home...my body filled with chills...a fever coming...i swallowed a cocktail of panadols and slept the evening away...

I awoke the next morning at 5...feeling feverish but dying to get to the gym for Body Pump...i dressed...and was almost out of the door...when my mom asked me why i looked so pale...she touched my forehead and sent me promptly back to bed...

and there i stayed till i visited the doctor..that proclaimed me ill...too ill for work...

idols idols...

its been a quiet friday spent in quiet reflection...

i was asked a simple question today...that had literally stumped me...one of our local Malay magazines is doing a feature on Idols...wat with American Idol fever just warming us up for Singapore Idol fever...that's just about to begin...i was asked...who my idol was?

and i was stumped...i've never really idolised anybody before...i have tremendous respect for many people...but idolise them?...

i thought...and i knew who i most admired...well his works at least...it was my all-time favourite author....the infamous...Salman Rushdie...who's novel 'Midnight's Children' changed my life and my attitudes towards life a an early age of 16...

But to declare this author of 'the Satanic Verses'...this man who's renounced Islam...who had a fatwa against him...as my IDOL... was certainly unacceptable in the eyes of the conservative Malay Muslim community of which i am a member of...and i certainly am not keen to renounce my membership from the community in the near future...

Anyhow..I thought about it...i idolize his writing...his works...not himself...or the kind of person and values that he upholds...in fact i don't know them...

so i thought some more..but all my 'idol's' are politically wrong...

machiavelli for his cunningness....and wit...and his lack of fear of prosecution...

mao for his intelligence and superior ego...that had moved a country to profess him as the sun that never sets...

kenneth waltz...for converting me to a neo-realists...

was there something wrong with me...other ppl have robbie williams as their idol...pele...kofi annan...britney spears...taufiq? but me?....

and then i remembered...reading about a lady...who sparked off the civil rights movement in America...the poster girl of the movement...who stood up for what she believed was right...who stood in the face of adversity and of danger...who risked her personal liberties to make a point..

Rosa Parks...the lady who refused to give up her seat white woman..aon 01 December 1955...an act that precipitated the largest and most successful civil rights movement at that time- the Montgomery Bus Boycott...which finally led to the successful civil rights movement....

Now this is a lady..who's values i share...who's guts and gumption i wished i could share in...

who i can rightly call...my idol.

soccer fever

saturday...soccer fever...

spent the morning sleeping till 10...iman woke me up...he was on his way to work the poor soul...i headed to the gym to sweat it out...and then spent the rest of the afternoon lounging with Vikram Seth in search of A Suitable Boy...met Iman at Esplanade...and after dinner while toying with the idea of catching a movie...we decided to join ewan (my 24 yr ol baby brother) and friends who were planning to watch the FA cup final at a coffeeshop in Sembawang...

It was a hysterical night...pumped full of adrenaline...i cheered...gulped down teh tarek...cheered some more...screamed...winced...gulped down even more teh tarek...took a loo break...cussed....cheered...jumped up and down...visited the loo...grimaced...winced...drank more teh tarek...went to the loo some more....until after a nail biting end...cheered Liverpool to a well deserved victory!

Was fun to have Iman around...was fun to spend time with Ewan...(hmmmm they sound almost indistingushable)...what was NOT fun...was looking around the crowd at the table...and realising that i was the oldest living being amongst the group...

2 words! NOT FUN!

i felt ANCIENT! sniff....

anyhow...mosy-ing along...Sunday was good fun though!

we celebrated mom's day yesterday...so i haven't been all that happy with the folks...but quiet minor resentments aside...we're generally a happy lot...and we celebrated with aisyah (my 12 yr old not so baby looking sister) and I whipping up a scrambled eggs, baked beans on toast breakfast...ewan did loads of chores...and i baked a pizza lunch! It was half a side of mince meat and mushrooms... and half a side of hawaiian (my fav!)...made 3 of those babies and quietly put aside some for Iman to taste later last night...

and today...today...i spent the morning at PSD (Public Service Division of the PMO) giving a talk to a bunch of young interns...and i was duly rewarded for my general wit and funny banter with a beautiful bouquet of flowes....

SUN FLOWERS...

it certainly perked up my day...i felt sunnier almost immediately...

strained relations

relations have become strained in the household...its unspoken...its not quite our style to flamboyantly protest against one another...our actions... our choices...instead...we have electrically charged conversations in the subject's absence...but everything...everything is often reported back...in hushed tones to the subject...

the result...strained relations...politeness with a tinge of insincerity...everyone acting as if everyone is ok...when everyone is not...

the subject... myself...

the subject...my relations...

the subject...matters of class...status...

its as if i've been transported into one of my treasured indian novels...where caste and class separates...and divides...it saddens me that we continue to trap ourselves by these putrid classifications...

what disappoints me is that the very people who have raised me to see beyong class, colour, religion.. are now the very individuals that espouse it...

i throw my head back and laugh at the very contradictions i find myself in...

i may have finally reached a stage in my life where conformity is no longer acceptable...and rebellion is the order of the day...

heaven of freedom...

the events leading to 8 May 2006...polling day...were a disappointment to me...the state of politicking in this land I call my home...is an utter embarassment...

i wonder if we will ever...break these chains that hold us back...

'where the stream of reason has not lost its way through the dreary desert sand of dead habit,

where the mind is led forward, by thee, towards ever widening thought and action,

into that heaven of freedom, my father, let my country awake...'

Tagore

why bother?

sometimes i wonder why i bother with relationships... isn't it enough trouble trying to deal with your own expectations of yourself...bother about your own future...what you do right...what you do wrong...what you should do better...what people think of you...what your life is going to look like in 10 years time...whether you'd look back and regret it...

looks to me that it takes enough effort to focus on myself...so what makes me think i have what it takes to bother about someone else...what he does right...what he does wrong...what he should or should not do...

after all it's his life not mine... if i can't keep my own life in order what makes me think i should bother about his...

or ours...

why bother...

homestay home-sick

claim 1 :

ibu(mum) thinks that i haven't been spending enough time at home helping her with the housework.

fact 1 :

i haven't been spending any time at home doing any sort of housework. Doing my own laundry apparently doesn't count.

......

claim 2:

ibu(mum) and ayah(dad) thinks that i work too hard and don't take care of my health enough, so i fall ill. just like this week. i've been suffering from a cold that hasn't let up yet.

fact 2:

i do work too hard. my body resistance is pretty low. its not a cold- its a sinus infection (is there a difference, even if it doesn't the latter does make it sound more severe). and i wouldn't fall sick if i got enough rest, which could happen if a certain someone doesn't nag me to do housework over the one day i have free during the week-sundays. (see claim 1)

....

claim 3:

i claim that i cleaned my room, vacummed and mopped both floors of the house, vacuumed the carpeted staircase, tidied and swept the front porch, handwashed a tub full of work shirts, did usual machine laundry, wiped down all the furniture and frames (etc) and ironed the entire families laundry, cleaned the windows, cooked lunch and bathed the cat while nursing my sinus infection.

fact 3:

i cleaned my room, vacummed both floors and the carpeted staircase, tidied and swept the front porch, handwashed half a tub full of work shirts, did usual machine laundry and ironed MY laundry while nursing my sinus infection.

....

claim 4: its been a busy sunday

fact 4: its been a busy sunday.

strange sunday

sunday was strange...not normally spent...

first, i woke up at 8.30 am to Iman's sms..telling ME to wake up...now that has never happened before...at least not on a Sunday morning...in this relationship it is I who do the waking up...and not vice-versa...but Iman's full of surprises...

second, we caught a 12pm show...what's strange about that?..see point 1...Iman doesn't usually open his 'sepet' eyes before 12pm on Sundays...ok ok...maybe he does...occasionally...but he usually has a date with his i-ecology and won't finish steam and vacumming the house till after 12pm...

oh we caught...'where the truth lies'...which I thought was an good film...it was done in a film noir murder mystery movie style...with a first person narrative throughout the entire film...it was meticulous...the pacing deliberate...making you mull over the scenes...slowly replaying the entire events...reordering...retelling...

the cast was outstanding...kevin bacon and colin firth...

the storyline was utter trash of course...revolving around sex, deception, jealousy, rage and an anal sex, better known in Singapore as brokeback, scene..

but how it was told..? with a touch of class...and elegance...

what wasn't strage about the movie was that Iman didn't enjoy it...but i did...still he sat through the entire movie...might have fallen asleep a little midway...but he did wake up at 8.30 am...on a Sunday...so it was excusable...of course.

but he had a point...there were scenes which were slow...too deliberate...and the plot so thick... that it was difficult to see the point at times...but u know...me and miss-i-love-to-think-things-through-maybe-a-bit-too-much-some-times....really enjoyed it...

three, after the movie on the way back to the car...we were stopped for a survey...and one thing led to another and we found oursevels in an 80 minute timeshare presentation...which we had to sit through to get a 7 night free stay...in several places including Spain, etc...normally i would turn it down...but the poor pitiful girl...told me that if she brought us up...she'd get 100 bucks for it...what wasn't strange...was that i didnt' say no...u know i couldn't...

so it was an 80 minute presentation...the story was...we were engaged...getting married soon...and laa dee daa....it was fun...gave me a warm fuzzy feeling... iman spoke thorougly seriously to the lady about marriage plans...honeymoon destinations...and how his dream wedding could be orchestrated at half the price through this timeshare thingee...

but ya know...both our bank accounts aren't exactly loaded with cash...so after about 120 minutes...that's 40 minutes more than we had promised to sit through...we have a 7 night free stay to use before the year is up...maybe bali...that would be nice...

all in all...it was a strange sunday...but nice...definitely nice...

quiet...

its almost ten...

its quiet...

the office...just hours ago...a bustling hive of activity...is now empty...empty of laughter...of incessant chatter...of life...

the stillness drains me of the little energy i feel in my bones...the loneliness gnawing on the tense muscles of my shoulders...the emptiness willing not only my physical but my mental self to collapse...defeated in exhaustion...in sheer sadness...

a depression that fills a being...who's life after work...is work itself...

ze weeks gone by...

its been wonderful...crazy...mad...delightful...sad...tedious...tiring...soothing...

now that i think about it...the weeks that have gone by have flown by...but there were some points during the week when i felt that it took all the energy in the world to keep my head up and the tears from falling.

work somehow managed to get under my skin as i juggled multiple projects...and had to cope with intense stress levels in the office...the general chaos that i should accept to be a part of my job now...but that's over...and the girls and i celebrated with drinks 2 saturdays ago...

then last week i was in Delhi for work...wed night till friday night...again...the chaos...it added to my frazzled nerves... the traffic...the pollution...the movement...the heat...but it strung me up and wound me up so tight...that upon departure...the process of unwinding was so rapid...so intense...that it catapulted me into a state of relaxation that has since, rejuvenated me...

on the social aspects of my life...its been good...iman's always a breadth of fresh air...and he kept me going when i was down...it was almost as if it was only when i was with him that i could feel at ease with the world...he's also introduced me to the world of the 'budak Simei' or the Simei kids...who've been wonderful company...somehow reminding me how much diversity we have in life...and more importantly how we should always strive to include that diversity in our lives to keep us centred...stable...and always in touch...

zul's been a wonderful friend too...he's always been...but for so many years i had thought i had lost that friend...but i was wrong...his company has been soothing... and his advice always enlightening...he's had some good news recently...and my heart warms to celebrate his happiness...

in the midst of all the happiness...i've also felt some nostalgia...can i call it that?...remembering things that once were...feelings...that i can't forget...memories...that i can't erase...but as zul reminds me...i should see what is in front of me...and cherish it...appreciate it...

i do...i do...

its about the now....not about the then....

about this girl

about this girl...

" this reflection...i loathe this reflection...what do i loathe?...everything...i see imperfection...don't you?...don't you see it?...chubbiness...everything about me is chubby...no...don't you dare use the F word...the thought of it makes me sick...but i know i am...not beautiful...imperfect...just say it...say it...hideous!...i want to be perfect...anything less than perfect is revolting...disgusting...i hate people who are thin..and beautiful...i hate them...because they're perfect...they are...perfect...i wish i were like them...that would be perfect.."

intelligence. confidence. joyfulness. cheerfulness. wit. humour. wisdom. empathy. why would any of this matter when one only judges one self by the exterior...not matter how superficial...

how can this girl love herself...she sees only imperfection...and the many reasons why she doesn't deserve any happiness or love in this world...and never the many reasons why she does...

would you pity this girl...would you empathise with her...i do...i pity her...

fishy drama...

last week...to my absolute horror...i found ChiamST...my light greyish yellow guppy...resting his tails ever so often at the bottom of his 'tank'...i cajoled him to swim as he used to...to glide through the waters as effortlessly as before...but every stroke his little fins made seemed a tremendous effort too much my poor lil' Chiam to endure...he didn't even surface to feast on the fishy flakes i crush to little bits for their tiny fishy palette...

even TeoCH seemed concern...swimming close to ChiamST...as if willing him to go on...it seemed clear to both fish and i..that ChiamST's time was almost over...

i knew my heart was going to break into a million pieces...as i googled for what could be wrong...i found no answers...in a vain attempt...to keep me occupied as my work just seemed suddenly dull...bland...even unimportant...i decided to clean the 'tank'...I carried the tank..now empty of its residences that now temporarily swam in little bowls on my table... off its resting place...onto the trolley...and to the restroom...where the kind restroom keeper lady...helped me clean the 'tank's' contents...

i left that evening...my heart heavy... i was to be at alicia's wedding the whole day after..and wouldn't be around...lest the undesirable were to occur...

the next day...i woke early...as a jie-mei to alicia... i was at her place at the break of dawn...too occupied to think about anything else...but the bride...it was only later...while waiting at the groom's place...that flynn called...my heart almost stopped...thinking it was bad news about ChiamST...she asked about work...my heart pounded...anticipating the bad news....i waited...but nothing....i plucked up the courage...and asked...

'He's fine! He's been swimming happily all morning!'...

My brief moments of quite relief...were shortlived...as an amazing sense of euphoria sweeped over me!....

I had to tell Alicia...who cares if she's in the middle of the tea-ceremony...this is certainly more important....ChiamST's OK!

gombal

in the same way that some people walk into our lives to fill an empty void that you had grown so accustomed to that it goes hardly noticed...gombal's entry into our life revealed the voids that it now fills with happiness...smiles...and endless laughter...

the tale began some time ago when aisyah and i found 3 not-quite-abandoned kittens in my neighbours porch...mommy cat found our human presence a threat and decided to move the kittens to safety... worried, aisyah and i searched the drains on saturday...copying their tiny mews hoping to locate them and save them from the jaws of the dangerous mutts that roamed our estate...but to no avail...

our mews were overheard by a neighbour who came to the conclusion that our household was in search of some kittenish company...2 days later she appeared at our gate...holding a grey tabby kitten, in search of a home, in her arms... i couldn't turn the kitten away...instead we welcomed it into our home...

mum named her gombal...which is javanese for 'dish-rag'...but a dish-rag she isn't...my mum who hadn't ever been fond of cats has fallen in love with gombal...having found something/one else to dote upon now that her baby daughter-aisyah is 12 and hardly a baby anymore...

gombal walks by mum's side...sits by her...comes running whenever my mum calls...and even sleeps with her...we all may be envious of the special place she's claimed in mum's heart...but we all love her equally for she's brought so much cheer and happiness to our household...

oh...and after thinking that gombal was a she...a trip to the VET announced that gombal was NOT A SHE..but a HE....i still call him her...and call him 'girl' instead of 'boy'...it was silly but..according to the vet a forgiveable mistake on our part!

regardless...

we love her..no him....! we love HIM!

birth and death....

eulogy:

to my fishy- Min. Ng E.H.- its life with us may have been short-lived but it was a time of happiness and joy... i will miss watching you as you glide in the blue waters of the little oasis in our cubicle...no fishy will replace your beautiful red tail...your deligtfully coloured fins...the wonderful gleam of your scales in the sun...your absence will not go un-noticed...may you find happiness in the after-fishy-life...

my fishy died... We suspect that Min. Ng E.H. was murdered. We came into the office to find its tail ravaged. We suspect it was the work of the two yellow fishies- Maliki and Min. Vivian. We've noticed how the two would go after the senior Min Ng. E.H. in the tank always going after its beautiful red tail. I suspect it was a crime of passion. Of jealousy. Of intrigue!

i was distraught...noticing my fishy at the bottom of the vase...i ran out of my cubicle as brave Flynn fished its lifeless form out of the vase and proceeded to flush it down to fishy heaven...

i was almost in tears...

on a different subject...it was Iman's birthday yesterday... we had a lovely dinner of chilly crab...and we sang a birthday song over dessert at windy clarke quay...our hands cupped over the wavering flame of the candle...as he closed his eyes and made a wish...i wonder what it was that he wished for...as he blew the candle out...i made my own wish...

for his life to always be filled with genuine and sincere love...for iman deserves all the happiness in the world...always...

it was a quietly celebrated birthday yesterday..just the way i like birthdays celebrated...

happy birthday sayang...