about this girl

about this girl...

" this reflection...i loathe this reflection...what do i loathe?...everything...i see imperfection...don't you?...don't you see it?...chubbiness...everything about me is chubby...no...don't you dare use the F word...the thought of it makes me sick...but i know i am...not beautiful...imperfect...just say it...say it...hideous!...i want to be perfect...anything less than perfect is revolting...disgusting...i hate people who are thin..and beautiful...i hate them...because they're perfect...they are...perfect...i wish i were like them...that would be perfect.."

intelligence. confidence. joyfulness. cheerfulness. wit. humour. wisdom. empathy. why would any of this matter when one only judges one self by the exterior...not matter how superficial...

how can this girl love herself...she sees only imperfection...and the many reasons why she doesn't deserve any happiness or love in this world...and never the many reasons why she does...

would you pity this girl...would you empathise with her...i do...i pity her...

fishy drama...

last week...to my absolute horror...i found ChiamST...my light greyish yellow guppy...resting his tails ever so often at the bottom of his 'tank'...i cajoled him to swim as he used to...to glide through the waters as effortlessly as before...but every stroke his little fins made seemed a tremendous effort too much my poor lil' Chiam to endure...he didn't even surface to feast on the fishy flakes i crush to little bits for their tiny fishy palette...

even TeoCH seemed concern...swimming close to ChiamST...as if willing him to go on...it seemed clear to both fish and i..that ChiamST's time was almost over...

i knew my heart was going to break into a million pieces...as i googled for what could be wrong...i found no answers...in a vain attempt...to keep me occupied as my work just seemed suddenly dull...bland...even unimportant...i decided to clean the 'tank'...I carried the tank..now empty of its residences that now temporarily swam in little bowls on my table... off its resting place...onto the trolley...and to the restroom...where the kind restroom keeper lady...helped me clean the 'tank's' contents...

i left that evening...my heart heavy... i was to be at alicia's wedding the whole day after..and wouldn't be around...lest the undesirable were to occur...

the next day...i woke early...as a jie-mei to alicia... i was at her place at the break of dawn...too occupied to think about anything else...but the bride...it was only later...while waiting at the groom's place...that flynn called...my heart almost stopped...thinking it was bad news about ChiamST...she asked about work...my heart pounded...anticipating the bad news....i waited...but nothing....i plucked up the courage...and asked...

'He's fine! He's been swimming happily all morning!'...

My brief moments of quite relief...were shortlived...as an amazing sense of euphoria sweeped over me!....

I had to tell Alicia...who cares if she's in the middle of the tea-ceremony...this is certainly more important....ChiamST's OK!

gombal

in the same way that some people walk into our lives to fill an empty void that you had grown so accustomed to that it goes hardly noticed...gombal's entry into our life revealed the voids that it now fills with happiness...smiles...and endless laughter...

the tale began some time ago when aisyah and i found 3 not-quite-abandoned kittens in my neighbours porch...mommy cat found our human presence a threat and decided to move the kittens to safety... worried, aisyah and i searched the drains on saturday...copying their tiny mews hoping to locate them and save them from the jaws of the dangerous mutts that roamed our estate...but to no avail...

our mews were overheard by a neighbour who came to the conclusion that our household was in search of some kittenish company...2 days later she appeared at our gate...holding a grey tabby kitten, in search of a home, in her arms... i couldn't turn the kitten away...instead we welcomed it into our home...

mum named her gombal...which is javanese for 'dish-rag'...but a dish-rag she isn't...my mum who hadn't ever been fond of cats has fallen in love with gombal...having found something/one else to dote upon now that her baby daughter-aisyah is 12 and hardly a baby anymore...

gombal walks by mum's side...sits by her...comes running whenever my mum calls...and even sleeps with her...we all may be envious of the special place she's claimed in mum's heart...but we all love her equally for she's brought so much cheer and happiness to our household...

oh...and after thinking that gombal was a she...a trip to the VET announced that gombal was NOT A SHE..but a HE....i still call him her...and call him 'girl' instead of 'boy'...it was silly but..according to the vet a forgiveable mistake on our part!

regardless...

we love her..no him....! we love HIM!

birth and death....

eulogy:

to my fishy- Min. Ng E.H.- its life with us may have been short-lived but it was a time of happiness and joy... i will miss watching you as you glide in the blue waters of the little oasis in our cubicle...no fishy will replace your beautiful red tail...your deligtfully coloured fins...the wonderful gleam of your scales in the sun...your absence will not go un-noticed...may you find happiness in the after-fishy-life...

my fishy died... We suspect that Min. Ng E.H. was murdered. We came into the office to find its tail ravaged. We suspect it was the work of the two yellow fishies- Maliki and Min. Vivian. We've noticed how the two would go after the senior Min Ng. E.H. in the tank always going after its beautiful red tail. I suspect it was a crime of passion. Of jealousy. Of intrigue!

i was distraught...noticing my fishy at the bottom of the vase...i ran out of my cubicle as brave Flynn fished its lifeless form out of the vase and proceeded to flush it down to fishy heaven...

i was almost in tears...

on a different subject...it was Iman's birthday yesterday... we had a lovely dinner of chilly crab...and we sang a birthday song over dessert at windy clarke quay...our hands cupped over the wavering flame of the candle...as he closed his eyes and made a wish...i wonder what it was that he wished for...as he blew the candle out...i made my own wish...

for his life to always be filled with genuine and sincere love...for iman deserves all the happiness in the world...always...

it was a quietly celebrated birthday yesterday..just the way i like birthdays celebrated...

happy birthday sayang...

Fishy Business

Have been back in the office since last Friday. Work's been mad. Lahore was mad! One good day of sight-seeing which was followed by three consecutive work days filled with meetings from 9 in the morning to almost 9 at night. Crazy. So crazy that i came back with almost 90% of the cash i brought along for shopping. When i told Nana this she responded ,'You? You didn't shop?'. Right you are! But the trip was fun nonetheless. I made friends, and i got to see Lahore- albeit just a little of Lahore but it was good. Anyways, it seems as if I'm going to be visiting Lahore quite frequently in future. So all's good!

This week, operation fishy business kicked into first gear. The girls and I decided to christen our new office with a lovely fish habitat to add some cheer and much needed entertainment on days when work just gets the better of us all!

Phase ONE of Operation Fishy Business began yesterday with a lunch trip to IKEA where we bought ourself a beautiful vase and some lovely blue pebbles to go with it.

Phase TWO was conducted in the office's corner toilet. Three giggly girls fussing over a VERY heavy vase. We managed to clean it and fill it with water. Carried it with much difficulty back to the office. Naturally, I volunteered my strength and finess for this task but ended up pouring half the contents of the vase on my blouse!

Phase THREE was conducted at lunchtime this afternoon. We headed to Ghim Moh market for lunch and then to the fish-shop where we proceeded to choose some pretty guppies, fish-bowl greens and a turd-eater fish!

We initially wanted 4 fish- one for myself, one for Flynn, one for Ame and one for Poh Ling (who doesn't sit in our cubicle, but she is our beloved manager and hey! who's going to deny the woman who doesn't stop the endless nonsense that we get ourselves into during office hours!) BUT the lady at the shop said that 4 was an inauspicious number. So..it made all sense for me to suggest getting 8 to get maximum worth of the auspiciousness the fish would bring, but my suggestion was conveniently ignored as my 3 other colleagues quickly proceeded to choose another fish to complete the collection...

Phase FOUR, the final stage! We came back and introduced our fish to the fish bowl/vase! And they're swimming happily now.... see! ok ok..you can't really see the fish..but you get the idea! (that's Leo 'fishing, hahahahaha)

Oh and u know..i saw some cute terrapins. Flynn and I think they'll be good company in the office but everyone else disagreed. I'll do some internet research on terrapins and how to care for them before i moot the idea again!

Something else happened today to add to the excitement of the day...i was surprised by a visit by a most terrifying, gruesome, icky tiny black lizard! It popped out from behind my pc today! It there's one thing i detest, and am completely afraid off- ITS LIZARDS! I screamed and shouted and ran out of the cubicle...to my colleagues distress...everyone came round to see, but it had dissappeared. I've called our trusty office-superman (he's the man you call for everyting! Rashid that is)- he says he'll call the pest control people. Until then, i'm not going to be able to rest easy...