have you ever loved something or someone so much that the very thought of losing them can bring tears to your eyes? i have... and when i did lose that someone... it not only brought an unending stream of tears...but it also brought me to my knees...i was broken.
since then...i've distanced myself from heartbreak...i loved liberally but somehow always kept my distance...hiding behind rationality and pragmatism...so that every new relationship that ended was dealt with as little emotion as possible...
last night i realised that i haven't invested myself completely in a relationship in a long time...the last time i fell in love it was with someone that was so far away that it was easy to say...i loved...and i wanted so much for it to work out...but it was never meant to be anyways...it wouldn't have worked out anyways... it was good while it lasted... i was prepared from the very beginning for it to end...not in the fairy tale way i had imagined...but the way it actually did...
is there something completely wrong with me? how is it i can love someone...and yet at the same time say...but...but there's so many reasons why it won't work out... and you should be prepared for that...he's too far...he's too young...he's too...whatever...
also...what i've never thought about is whether anyone has ever loved me so much that the very thought of losing me could bring tears to his eyes...until last night...
i'm feeling unsettled....
i've kept my distance...to shield myself from heartbreak...but now i realise that while i do that... i'm turning into what i'm protecting myself from...i don't want to be the source of another's sadness...i can't be that person...
i won't.
1 comment:
Hi Aunt Iva
Its lil' Marc here, I hope you're well.
Don't be sad , cheer up.
Mummy says you've always been a happy one.
Stay that way, I lurve you that way.
Mummy read your blog and thinks that perhaps you had thought of all the reasons why this one wouldn't work so that if it doesn't, you're hoping you'd be prepared and less hurt, except this time you fell hard for it, and you'd have really really wanted it to work, so it hurts even more. Mummy's wondering if you're sure it really really won't work and if it might help both parties to meet and talk it through. Hey, rendezvous in LA maybe ? :-) In Disney and I'll go with you
Miss you Aunt Iva !! Hugs and Kisses
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